I'm just sitting here and I was looking at a picture of Emily, and all I want to do is cry. I really try to act like everything's fine, and that I've moved on, but I feel so alone and that I'm never going to be happy.

I was thinking of her earlier, because of Christmas. She has this picture of her with her boyfriend in front of a Christmas tree from last year, and now she's going to be in town soon for the break and I just think about them taking a new picture this year. I think about how she must be happy, and how I've been left behind by everyone.

It really hurts when you realize that you're always going to be alone, and that it's always going to hurt. There's no one around that I really like and I want to like them and make friends, but I'm so hardened by years of depression and being lonely that I don't even know where to begin. I would never be able to trust anyone enough to open myself up.

I think about that, and I think about how Emily has someone new who's probably much better than I am.

I was reading through the posts from December of last year, and they are all literally the same as this. Will I ever move on?

Well, there you go. It was a waste of time trying to talk to Alex, and it's a good thing I asked the right questions before I really did some damage.

She didn't care about talking to me. She just wants to "creep," because that's what she does. She just wanted to apologize, because it'd make her feel better. No one does anything for the good of others, especially someone who's manipulative like her. Someone like that is only out for self gratification.

It certainly had no positive effects on me.

Either way, it was fun, I guess. I'm going to go back to my slow and pointless day to day, and

Today, I was going to try and put this whole Alex thing out of my head. I didn't want to get involved, and potentially hurt. But you know me; I'm very weak. I eventually said "fuck it," and asked why. What's changed? Wasn't she with someone or something? Who cares about me.

Apparently, nothing's changed. She still likes "creeping" on people, and what's more interesting to someone like that than some loser on the internet spilling everything out as a means to cope? Maybe, that's a little harsh. I mean....I think I meant more than that at one point or another.

Either way, she replied and somehow, I didn't expect it. But that's natural for me to think the worst. But then again, why would it be the worst to me for her to not reply? Because I am so emotionally unhealthy that I don't know the difference between love and hate, or a smile and a frown. I have no idea what I want from people to be honest.

I have no idea what to say to her. The only reason I really said anything before was out of curiosity. Now, it's like....to say something, I would be wanting something. Do I want to talk to her? Yeah, in a way. She was, at one point, everything to me in the most literal sense. But I also don't want to talk to her. What would she be to me? I don't think I could ever be simple friends with someone that I had intense feelings for. That's why I stopped talking to her in the first place. It feels like a long time ago, but it really wasn't.

This is all so....weird. What am I even doing? Every time I write on here it's about "Oh, I'm so fucking poor and lame. Oh, Alex hurt me." And now I'm sitting here going "Oh, what should I say?" I'm such a fucking loser. All I wanted to do was forget about her, and now I have her Tumblr information where I will undoubtedly not be able to control myself and look at it from time to time.


Aside from the self hate, I pretty much thought about Alex all day at work today. It was pretty degrading. I told Shoe about it, and he told me I should try and talk to her. He really doesn't know me, though. He still knows me as the fun guy that's making people laugh, or something; I don't know. If he really knew me, he'd know that talking to Alex would ultimately only be a short term fix. I would not gain any long term peace from it. I think I'm just better off writing things out on some blog in a secluded corner of the internet. But it apparently isn't secluded since Alex is reading this. Lovely.




Anyways, I like the idea of posting what song I'm listening to while I write, so here's the song of the night.

I don't think I'll be able to sleep much tonight. So, I got the same song on repeat and I'm just going to keep writing.


"And here....we go."

So, guess what. My cat got surgery yesterday, and the poor thing is hiding under my bed. She won't eat, so I need to call the vet tomorrow. I'm sure they will provide a remedy for this. She's always trying to drink the milk when I'm eating cereal, so I thought that'd help, but it didn't. I'll need a professionals help.

My older brother is a graffiti artist, and he likes to text me his work and get some advice. He sent me a piece that he was clearly proud of, but I wasn't feeling it and I tried to give him some good feedback for it. I think he got offended, and it hurt. I really hate upsetting him, because he's had a very hard life. I'm glad he's found someone and living with them in his favorite place, New York.

I used to think if he can find someone and move to NY, I can find someone and move to Seattle. I just don't really think about it anymore. I really do try not to think about things at all. 

I'm trying to write about random things, but there's only one thing I'm thinking about. It's so pathetic, too, because what's there to think about. What do I think is going to happen? My mind always liked to get me excited for things that I know would never happen. 

When I had that job interview, I just somehow knew it wasn't going to happen. I wasn't going to get a job, and then magically everything would be okay. I have this warped view that nothing good ever happens. I back this up by looking at when good things do happen. When something good happens to you, how long does it last? See, good things don't happen, they're just bad things disguised as good.

You're in a new relationship, and then one day, you're crying and begging that person to stay. You've finally got a job, and then one day you're wondering how you're going to have a life on minimum wage. Your mom has given birth to you, and now you wish you were dead.

Good things happen to remind us how shitty things really are. 

You know, I don't think about Emily anymore. I guess I got over her. When I think about it, the only reason I'm still having a hard time over Alex is because we were, or at least I was for my part more passionate for her then I was for Emily. Emily and I were good together, but she didn't really know me and I think that I would have started to crack under not being to express myself openly with her.

Alex knew me, or at least I showed her everything I can. She knew my deepest thoughts, and it was so much harder to lose her after baring everything. I always considered myself a monster, but she is much more evolved in ways I will never be. I always liked that about her. 

There were times I knew I'd emotionally wouldn't be able to handle like her talking to other guys. But I remember one night, I told her to lay it on me. I wanted her to hurt me, and she really did. It wasn't like "Oh, well, some guys talk to me, but I refuse them." It was "Yeah, other guys want me and you should worry." She let me have it. And I kind of admired her for it. I think because I know I've had that effect on a lot of people, and I've never experienced it. 

In the end, I knew she didn't mean it and didn't want to hurt me. But we were, I think, on fire for each other and to me, baring our darkest selves to each other was...erotic in a way. Maybe I'm really bummed at knowing I'll never know another girl like her. I like to think she feels the same. but only because it helps me sleep. And really, at this point, who cares what I think, because there's no one to judge.

As much fun as it is remembering Alex, I guess this is it. I plan on taking some pain pills to work tomorrow, because this will hurt tomorrow. 

It kind of sucks that despite everything, I still miss Alex. 

You know how you kind of wish for something, and then it happens and it's just like....you didn't need what you wished for at all. In fact, it's one of those old sayings and I, being the fuck up that I am, ignored it.

I'm just going to go on ahead and use common sense, and say Alex reads this. First of all, why would anyone want to read these pathetic things I write? Honestly, I'm kind of surprised I would ever have anything to write about. I literally only work nowadays. I wake up, look at myself in the mirror, shower, and then go to work. I come home late, feed the cat and myself, and go to bed. My stepmom and dad, of all people, picked up on this, and tried to talk to me about it. They told me to let go of "whatever happened to me," and enjoy life again.

Anyone that reads these pathetic things that I write know that there is no life to enjoy, and there are no great things to achieve.

Anyways. I'm writing because I received a message from Alex today. This was not a lovely thing for me to receive as it was a burst of emotions I have no felt in a year. There is also no way I could actually reply to her, and knowing she reads this shit, I guess this will have to do.

She apologized to me, and I feel....empty. No, not really. I have that shitty feeling in my chest that I think she knew I got when I got really down.





Actually, you know, it's funny that she would apologize when it was me who was a shitty boyfriend. In fact, I used to think I'd have been in Ohio a long time ago if I wasn't an asshole who always faked breaking up with her or told her to stop telling me about things that was going in school. Maybe things would be nice.

The truth is, and the last time I checked (which was a long time ago now), she's with someone. I don't know what to think. I try not to think about it all. I had closed it in, and remain, every day, holding that door shut as hard as I try. But that came open in full force. My hands are shaking, and I might as well just go with it.

If Alex is really reading this, then I'd like her to know that....I was damaged before she and I dated. The only difference is that I'm more damaged, and full of hate. I'm full of despair at knowing no one cares about me and desperate for everything to end. My sociopathic brother cares about nothing, my mom only cares about me paying off my loans. The people at work call me the guy who never smiles, and that's the only impression I'm able to make.

But why would I want her to know this. Why would anyone want to know this? Why am I even trying to make a response to her. I have nothing positive to say, and I have nothing to give.

Either way, of course I couldn't help but look at her site. And of course, right there, the first thing I see is a picture of her. This was not needed.



I was reading some of my old journals from high school a couple of days ago. There's lots of deja vu in them. It's like reading this blog except they're seven and eight years old. My life has not changed in a decade. How pathetic is that that I have not gained any skills in bettering myself.


Anyways. It's not much of a coherent response, and I guess this is the last time I'll ever hear from Alex, which is sad in a way. It's like I'm losing her again.

So....I feel like writing again. I guess it's a good thing I never got rid of this. I used to think if I got rid of this, I could somehow feel a sense of relief and move on.

You know, the more I think about it, the more true it seems to be. I'm just never going to a happy person. I'm going to be that old man in the corner of a bar, and that's if I even make it to being an old man. I always did like to keep a bottle of Advil close.

I never really was one to have any grand plans for life. I just wanted someone I actually enjoyed being around, and vice versa. I've grown so accustomed to hating everybody, that I don't see myself melting for anyone anymore. I really wanted to go to Seattle, but why? It would just remind me of Alex. I want to be a good artist, and have a good job to support myself. But what's the point.

I actually created a Tumblr a little earlier this year hoping it would help out. But my posting isn't consistent, and no one's looking.

http://zombifriend.tumblr.com/

Maybe someone on here will happen by.

So, I got no plans and don't care much for the future or having anyone to share it with. I'm not scared of death, and I'm not scared for anyone who should accidentally feel like they've lost me.

So, I've been stuck in a rut for a while now. I know that I've always had a problem with depression, but I'd gotten a lot better with it in the last year knowing that the occasional spell here and there would be a normal occurrence for anyone. The problem is that this spell does not seem to be shaking off.

I've been feeling lonely the last two months, and I feel like I used to feel which is not good. I'm having a harder time combat it like I know I can in which I just remember it's all okay. Lately, it's not really all that okay.

I'm a 24 year old loser with a useless Bachelor's, and no skill to put it to use. I still live at my moms, and I've got one friend whom....I haven't figured out if I really like him or if I'm just keeping him around for my own means. One such means is we're getting an apartment hopefully in the coming month. I can't get one on my own, but someone else can help get one.

I think maybe I'm just so used to having dark thoughts, that I think I would only keep someone around for a personal gain. Honestly, I do like Tim. He's very supportive and doesn't judge in the least bit; we literally have all the same interests  so I don't know why I have a hard time enjoying his friendship. I do enjoy it, but there's always a bit of length I keep and I suppose you really can't blame me.

Personally, I think having an apartment will have a great boost on my mood; I will be able to cut my mom out of my life for once and for all. I will be free, and away from outside influences. Most people will say "Oh, sure, but what about the bills and such?" And really, it's those type of people who I'd love to get away from, people that pretend to worry about my position for drama's sake. And then there are people like that who really do worry such as my dad. And really, I just don't see myself connecting with my family in the future, nor do I want to.

I really did want a relationship with my dad, and he, without really knowing it, pushed me away. And you know me, I prefer to let people figure things out than tell them they're hurting me. You'd think telling them would help, but really, no one cares. And I guess I don't, either.

I found out Evan is being divorced. A mutual friend has started working at Sears with me, and I talked to her about things. I can't help but feel glad, like there has been justice. This person who hurt me is now in pain over what hurt me. It doesn't sound like he wanted the divorce and he was always sensitive. I think about how much this much hurt him, and I just become glad.

He left me over a girl who's divorcing him; how Shakespearean.

I have a confession. I would tell myself I write on here for me, and because it helps. Honestly, though, I always felt like I was writing for someone else, like a particular person was reading this, waiting for me to post again. It's pathetic, but I guess it's how I coped with losing Alex, too.

I recently discovered there's a way on here to see when someone has viewed this blog, but no one has looked. I've been alone this whole time while trying to convince myself that I'm not.  I guess there's no escaping the reality of things even when you think you've come to term with it.

The signs are there. I've had plenty of chances to talk to and meet new people. I instinctively turned them all away without a second glance, and it's a cold feeling. When I write these things, I feel like I'm seeking attention, and I guess really, I am. I wrote these things telling myself someone was reading it and saying to themselves, "This poor soul."

I am stuck on 16, and I haven't really grown up in maturity. I still live in my head, and I become a meaner person on a weekly basis.

I would still like to move to Seattle, but I think there would be no grand restart. Wherever you go, your damage follows.

Hello. I am going to write something, maybe even write something nice.

I've been doing fine; pretty fine actually, I think. My mom bugs and annoys me a lot, but I think that's okay. Tim and I are going to be getting an apartment soon, and that will be good. I will be able to get away from my mom and family. I will be perfectly happy to have the most minimum contact with them that I can have. But this all isn't so nice.

Tomorrow, Shoe is coming and I am very excited. Chris and Stefan, and even Tim are coming, too. We're going to Atlanta for AWA. We'll have a hotel room there, and we will probably do many fun things. Shoe and I plan to film some neat little movies like we used to do in high school. I will probably force everyone else to be in them, too.

We're going to go eat out, and probably drink at the bar in the hotel one night. It's going to be pretty sweet. Mom and grandma are planning to go hang out in Atlanta on Saturday, so they're going to drop Lennon off. I think it'll be great for him, since he's fallen in love with anime and manga.

Segway: I have lots of memories of Atlanta. I miss it a lot. I don't think about Alex much, but I enjoy the random happy memory of us here and there. I miss walking across the street to the grocery store to buy some milk, and taking the subway with a friend to go to GameStop and get hot wings. I really miss the weather. Man, Warner Robins is a shitty and hot place. I will talk to Tim about getting a place in Atlanta.

I haven't had a day off from work since last Monday, so I feel exhausted. It's a good thing I have a four day vacation starting tomorrow.

I remember writing about wanting a fullness in life, and I think, maybe, I've gotten it a little. I'm a pro at being content. I've stopped arguing about religion, and just being happy with my own beliefs and moving on. I get in my car, tired from work, and just drive home listening to Wu-Tang Clan. Life is so simple, and I have no worries.

In the girl department, it's selectively slow. I don't really want anything from girls. I talked to a girl a month or so ago, and we "stayed" together for a month, but she was a very horny person and we didn't really get along. I'm "talking" to a girl now, but she's one of those people who just don't talk, and so there's nothing there.

I guess I'm not against meeting a girl, clearly, but I'm not really putting too much out there.

Did I mention I have a new cat? And that I've never been happier?

I just realized I've had this blog for a little over a year now. It's nice to see how far I've come from being completely depressed to overall content.

The other day, I went to Ben's with Sean and I got drunk for the first time in my life.We did a bunch of different types of shot like Fireball, Jaggerbomb, PBJ, etc. It turns out the Irish/English in me actually loves Bailey's. Or maybe it's just the fact it was caramel flavored, and that's pretty awesome.

I had a lot of fun. I was able to stop when I needed to, and was able to experience being drunk safely. We pretty much just hung out and talked, and ate pizza, so it wasn't like I had to worry anyways.

Last night, Sean and I went back over and had a LAN party with Zack talking to us through Skype. We drunk a little, but didn't get drunk and played games. We played Minecraft and messed with this 13 year old kid on his server. It was funny. After that, we played this scary game and basically it was us drinking and shouting in fright at 2 in the AM.

Sean left to go home today, and I had a lot of fun visiting him. Ben and I will still hang out, and play Diablo 3 with Zack and Sean through Skype, so that'll be good.

With my other friends, Tim has been really trying to get me and some others to get a room for AWA this year. Chris and Stefan will be coming with me, so it'll be us four. That'll be very fun, and I'm pretty excited especially because I didn't get to go last year.

Sean and Zack visited this past week. I haven't talked to Zack since the Emily/Evan ordeal, so that's about two years. Sean really wanted Zack and I to hang out and become friends again, so we all, along with Ben and Alex, went to Stevi B's. It was pretty nostalgic, but I was too anxious to really try to start a conversation.

Sean suggested I tell him the story about how I got a girl to yell Metal Gear when we had sex, and so I did and laughs were had. Zack and I were still kind of iffy to talk, although it was him who wanted this more than me.

After we left, Sean suggested we go to my house and watch all the old videos we'd done. For some (mostly obvious) reason, Zack and I opened up a lot and started talking about old times. It was really nice, and it was especially enjoyable that he was literally the same guy I knew before even if he's a huge redneck now (as far as looks go).

The next night, he and Sean came over again, and we played scary games all night with the lights out. Zack and I really became friends again after that. He left and I gave him my phone number. I was actually sad, because it was his last night in town. But I told myself he has my number and we'll talk.

It's not like I'm torn up at all. I'm actually very glad this happened. Sean's in town this week, as well, and he's planning on all of us playing Diablo 3 together over Skype.

I'm a space ship for the taking if it's only you that's thinking of the six feet deep race way. It is perilous that we open our carriers scent back into the spooky center as we've become the space that I've always wanted. I can remember our hair on the patio sun steps when we walked into our lives. 


I've reached the poles heart beat of a car that I saved to my desktop for when I'm lonely. Look to me, I've always wanted to be that which has made it clear my hairiness sand back paper you gave me is to miss. But I've been playing with myself in a chair, so you know...yeah, I am a man whose head is in the air.


I'm a city that's run away, and the answers to open the things you love are what has treated you as being in the middle. Wouldn't you know I could live without you? If I hurry to MySpace, I can let the world know that I've denounced the annoying bathroom blisters have gone away. And if I go crazy, I can show you what's to know for being a head full of natural love that's wasted on the wrong person every two to five minutes.


If you think I can hide away from the motion of drinking only the want to have had a hand to hold you, then have fun wasting away on your holiday.

Update.

I've gone back to normal; normal as in what I would be like without the distraction of a relationship or trying to find one, etc. It doesn't mean I'm any more happy, but it doesn't mean I'm really ever sad. I have become very content to the point where I shove out new ideas in trying to make sure there are no new factors in my life to try and alter my, not really new at this point, place in the world.

Alex has literally become a thing of the past. I don't think of her at all anymore, and I only do so now to write down the fact. I think if I really had to think about it, she's become a haunting; something (someone) that is not safe to be around, and the very idea of it (her) should not be approached. I hate her, and that is all I will say on the subject.

Of course, I think about Emily and Evan, but they've become more like a memory based on taking so much of my life to the point that I can't really not ever think of them sometimes. The difference, really, is that it doesn't hurt to think about them. It kind of bums me out, but I recognize that they've become a band aid in which the pain comes in one burst and then disappears, therefore giving me no reason to really dread about it.

Andrew and I are very good friends. In fact, I'd go as far as to say he has become the best friend I've had in a very long time. I don't have to try with him or pretend. We don't stutter for things to talk about; we just talk. He calls sometimes, which is funny because it reminds me when it was the norm back in the day for friends to call for no reason and just talk. We can tell each other things; we have each others back. I believe if one of us was to ever leave Sears, we would still maintain our friendship in another way. It's nice to have this friend.

Life in general is not so bad anymore, but for the wrong reasons. I am not so naive as to not see that, yes, I have shut myself off to the world. I really have become a shell, but I'm not complaining. I have things that do make me very happy and things that I look forward to and enjoy doing. They might not be....wondrous things, but they do the job. 

Today, I realized how much I've changed in the last half year. I've become cold, aggressive, uncaring.

The guys at work like to "fight" and mess around, and I've become quick to throw my arms up. They've all become surprised, because I'm a slow worker; generally slow due to being chilled out, but when I fight I'm the fastest guy there. It's surprising, because of my size.

I got punched in the face a couple days ago, and I enjoyed it. I realized a punch isn't something to be afraid of. I was also able to retaliate quickly, and in a more ruthless way so to speak. The punch was an accident, but I was quick to show off the fact that I won't take anything like that.

I was with a girl kind of for the last month where really, we just fucked a lot. She started falling for me and I found someone better and closer to me, so I had to let the other girl go. I'm not trying to fall in love. I've officially hit player status at work, because this isn't the first or second time I've done something like this. I had seen three girls in one week earlier this year.

One guy at work said he didn't recognize me anymore; I'm not gentle like I used to be I guess. He was making a joke, but it hit me that I have changed. Is it for the better or worse? Maybe I'm not a better person, but it doesn't hurt to be like this. I never have to worry about being hurt again, and after the last two years of what I had gone through trying to be with people, I'd say it's for the better. 

It just kind of bewilders me that I could change myself into this kind of person. I never thought I could be aggressive. I never thought I could cuss someone out and tell him to fuck off when he becomes a cocky little shit. I was always the quiet one taking all the blows, and not caring about myself.

I don't know if I care about myself now, though. I guess I do in a way. I stand up for myself, and let people see that I'm strong. I show off. I put other people down instead of myself, and I like it. I like hurting people. A friend told me I'd obviously been hurt in the past, and it's like I'm getting revenge on other people for it.

I wouldn't say I'm getting revenge, rather I just don't care how I make you feel.

I've known this for a while, but it's seemed to have become a bigger force in my life and has made me feel really confused. I have some bad commitment issues. I get bored, and start sabotaging everything. And the weirdest thing is that it feels so right. It would feel wrong to not do those things.

Of course I know where it comes from and why I developed them, because it's not so much as commitment issues as it is a mental block that I created to protect myself. I've been talking to a girl for a month, we fucked a lot, and now I feel like I've gotten what I want. That's when the want and need to be alone comes into place. I barely talk to her anymore, and when I do I'm questioning everything she does.

At the same time, I'm talking to a new girl. Girls have become like video games for me; I get bored after a week or some, and want a new one. Even before the girl I've been talking to for a month, I had been on a pretty big amount of dates with some other girls and fooled around with some.

I feel like I'm making up for something. Really, though, I just got fucked real hard and now everything's backward for me. I used to just want to be in love and do everything with them. Now, all I even can do is fuck girls with no emotions involved and move on.

Maybe it's just because I'm 23, and I'll naturally move on to more mature things. Hopefully.

Well, you know if it isn't possible for you to be me, then at least up above, there's a place where there's nothing to see; just another dream. It's where you can get what you want if you can't get me; an imaginary sun to keep you warm to feel like you're next to me. 


In this world of holes, looking out at another day, it's like the millionth time of asking if anyone's seen this missing person. But up in the point of the end of the day, I can close my eyes and enter our old corner where we shared ourselves. It's nice to pretend that the pain is gone, because when I lay down to sleep, I see you next to me.

I was thinking about when Shoe talked to me the other week. He told me Emily, after never talking to him after she broke up with me, had randomly came up to him and asked how I was. I was feeling a little rough about it for a day or two, but Shoe talked to me about it.

In that, I mentioned how I don't know why she'd care and such. Apparently, she still has my phone number. Shoe told me we dated for four years, so of course she's going to remember me and think of me a lot. He said that when you feel sad about missing someone, then they feel the same way sometimes when you were with them seriously and for a long time.

I can only guess from that, that being in love with a new guy, that she's able to think about me in a healthy way. At least, for myself, I realize if she, for some reason, wanted to get back together, I know it wouldn't work. I'm too different than how I used to be.

In a chain reaction, I had thought about Evan a lot this past week. I dreamed about him last night. I had read somewhere once, that when you dream about someone, it means that they miss you. I can't remember where I read it, but I should look into that scientifically, because it's obviously a superstition or something.

Either way, I guess we had known each other our whole lives, and it would be logical that he misses me. But then I think about how I had messaged him on FB last summer, and he never replied. I don't really know what to make of him, except the fact that I know he's being transferred and we'll never talk again. At least I can say I tried to talk to him, and I'll never have to think about how I could have changed things, even though, I could obviously try more and harder.

But I can't.

Anyways, I guess it's healthier of me to realize these people miss me and I think that's all I really wanted to know; that I made an impact.

I was thinking about how I wish I could go back to how things were this past summer when I just got a new job, I kept quiet and to myself, and sat on a bench and read during my lunch. Things were quiet and simple, and I don't know why no matter how bad a situation was, I end up romanticizing everything. The fact is that I was miserable.

I guess after time has passed, you kind of forget the little things like how you were feeling exactly and you just remember the general idea of what life was like. I guess I rather remember it like that than remember it as dealing with a break up and being depressed. The funny thing, which isn't so funny, is that I'm still dealing with those things, but the feeling's duller.

These days, I have friends at work, girls to go on dates with, and it all feels so empty. None of it is doing anything for me long term wise. At work, I'm generally fine, but then I get home and I sit around waiting for something. I have lots of distractions and they help, but I just want what I had when I was dating Emily; a fullness.

You know I never even did talk to the girl I went on a date with again. She was lame.

It's okay, because I got my social fix from it and I'll be good for another couple months. It makes me feel a little dead. I just drift around till I need a fix. I don't really try to pursue holding onto a feeling that would otherwise make me feel alive. But you know, I've dealt with the feeling of losing what makes you feel alive plenty of times to know it's not all that it's made out to be.

I went on a date tonight. We saw Beauty and the Beast. I'll be honest with myself. I wished that I was seeing it with Alex.

It doesn't help that it was a shitty date anyways. When I got there, she was talking to someone so I had to awkwardly wait on her. And then she turned around to tell me what she was talking about with her friend. So I never really did get to say hey or anything.

When we go inside, she starts talking to the guy who took our tickets while I waited another awkward ten minutes. And then she hugged him. Hugging is fine, but I wouldn't hug another girl in front of a date. That's just me I guess.

After the movie, she had to rush home because her mom cut her hand while cooking. We were going to go to Starbucks and hang out.

So, yeah. I didn't know if I'd care for her anyways, but then being with her in person confirmed it. She's outgoing and talkative which are all shitty qualities. I may go out with her again, and maybe that'll go better. But otherwise, $20 for two tickets down the drain.

Alex talked to me tonight. I really fucking wish she didn't. I have a hard enough time getting on with life without her coming around.

I stayed and talked a little, since my fucking curiosity got the better of me. Eventually, I was able to just get off and get away from her.

She talked about how she thinks about me every now then, because of games and shit. And some guy she's fucking. I don't really need to hear about it. God, I hate her.

I felt like I had something to write about, but I don't know what to say. I feel like...I feel like I figured out the way the world works too early. When you see the angry old people, because they've gotten to the point in their life where they realize life sucks and that's all there is to it. They're just old and angry. I feel like that except I'm still young.

There isn't a secret to life. Life sucks, and I don't mean it in the joking way where people try to make light of it. I mean it in a whole hearted way in the way in the sense that if anything good ever happens, then it's by chance. Either it wasn't supposed to happen, or you just got lucky.

A good example of that, to me, is being in love. Love isn't real. It's just a surge of emotions and pheromones. It's a chemical imbalance. The only reason people want it so bad is because that feeling is like any drug. It's addicting, and it makes us feel good. We also seek it on a primal level. We are animals, and all animals seek to reproduce. That's all there really is to it.

I can't sit here and act like I'm above everyone else, because I'm addicted to that feeling, too. I've tasted it a lot, and I feel like my whole life will be spent looking for it again. I just kind of hate that. I hate that something that ruined me is all I want.