Today, I realized how much I've changed in the last half year. I've become cold, aggressive, uncaring.

The guys at work like to "fight" and mess around, and I've become quick to throw my arms up. They've all become surprised, because I'm a slow worker; generally slow due to being chilled out, but when I fight I'm the fastest guy there. It's surprising, because of my size.

I got punched in the face a couple days ago, and I enjoyed it. I realized a punch isn't something to be afraid of. I was also able to retaliate quickly, and in a more ruthless way so to speak. The punch was an accident, but I was quick to show off the fact that I won't take anything like that.

I was with a girl kind of for the last month where really, we just fucked a lot. She started falling for me and I found someone better and closer to me, so I had to let the other girl go. I'm not trying to fall in love. I've officially hit player status at work, because this isn't the first or second time I've done something like this. I had seen three girls in one week earlier this year.

One guy at work said he didn't recognize me anymore; I'm not gentle like I used to be I guess. He was making a joke, but it hit me that I have changed. Is it for the better or worse? Maybe I'm not a better person, but it doesn't hurt to be like this. I never have to worry about being hurt again, and after the last two years of what I had gone through trying to be with people, I'd say it's for the better. 

It just kind of bewilders me that I could change myself into this kind of person. I never thought I could be aggressive. I never thought I could cuss someone out and tell him to fuck off when he becomes a cocky little shit. I was always the quiet one taking all the blows, and not caring about myself.

I don't know if I care about myself now, though. I guess I do in a way. I stand up for myself, and let people see that I'm strong. I show off. I put other people down instead of myself, and I like it. I like hurting people. A friend told me I'd obviously been hurt in the past, and it's like I'm getting revenge on other people for it.

I wouldn't say I'm getting revenge, rather I just don't care how I make you feel.