"And here....we go."
So, guess what. My cat got surgery yesterday, and the poor thing is hiding under my bed. She won't eat, so I need to call the vet tomorrow. I'm sure they will provide a remedy for this. She's always trying to drink the milk when I'm eating cereal, so I thought that'd help, but it didn't. I'll need a professionals help.
My older brother is a graffiti artist, and he likes to text me his work and get some advice. He sent me a piece that he was clearly proud of, but I wasn't feeling it and I tried to give him some good feedback for it. I think he got offended, and it hurt. I really hate upsetting him, because he's had a very hard life. I'm glad he's found someone and living with them in his favorite place, New York.
I used to think if he can find someone and move to NY, I can find someone and move to Seattle. I just don't really think about it anymore. I really do try not to think about things at all.
I'm trying to write about random things, but there's only one thing I'm thinking about. It's so pathetic, too, because what's there to think about. What do I think is going to happen? My mind always liked to get me excited for things that I know would never happen.
When I had that job interview, I just somehow knew it wasn't going to happen. I wasn't going to get a job, and then magically everything would be okay. I have this warped view that nothing good ever happens. I back this up by looking at when good things do happen. When something good happens to you, how long does it last? See, good things don't happen, they're just bad things disguised as good.
You're in a new relationship, and then one day, you're crying and begging that person to stay. You've finally got a job, and then one day you're wondering how you're going to have a life on minimum wage. Your mom has given birth to you, and now you wish you were dead.
Good things happen to remind us how shitty things really are.
You know, I don't think about Emily anymore. I guess I got over her. When I think about it, the only reason I'm still having a hard time over Alex is because we were, or at least I was for my part more passionate for her then I was for Emily. Emily and I were good together, but she didn't really know me and I think that I would have started to crack under not being to express myself openly with her.
Alex knew me, or at least I showed her everything I can. She knew my deepest thoughts, and it was so much harder to lose her after baring everything. I always considered myself a monster, but she is much more evolved in ways I will never be. I always liked that about her.
There were times I knew I'd emotionally wouldn't be able to handle like her talking to other guys. But I remember one night, I told her to lay it on me. I wanted her to hurt me, and she really did. It wasn't like "Oh, well, some guys talk to me, but I refuse them." It was "Yeah, other guys want me and you should worry." She let me have it. And I kind of admired her for it. I think because I know I've had that effect on a lot of people, and I've never experienced it.
In the end, I knew she didn't mean it and didn't want to hurt me. But we were, I think, on fire for each other and to me, baring our darkest selves to each other was...erotic in a way. Maybe I'm really bummed at knowing I'll never know another girl like her. I like to think she feels the same. but only because it helps me sleep. And really, at this point, who cares what I think, because there's no one to judge.
As much fun as it is remembering Alex, I guess this is it. I plan on taking some pain pills to work tomorrow, because this will hurt tomorrow.
It kind of sucks that despite everything, I still miss Alex.
No comments:
Post a Comment