You know how you kind of wish for something, and then it happens and it's just like....you didn't need what you wished for at all. In fact, it's one of those old sayings and I, being the fuck up that I am, ignored it.

I'm just going to go on ahead and use common sense, and say Alex reads this. First of all, why would anyone want to read these pathetic things I write? Honestly, I'm kind of surprised I would ever have anything to write about. I literally only work nowadays. I wake up, look at myself in the mirror, shower, and then go to work. I come home late, feed the cat and myself, and go to bed. My stepmom and dad, of all people, picked up on this, and tried to talk to me about it. They told me to let go of "whatever happened to me," and enjoy life again.

Anyone that reads these pathetic things that I write know that there is no life to enjoy, and there are no great things to achieve.

Anyways. I'm writing because I received a message from Alex today. This was not a lovely thing for me to receive as it was a burst of emotions I have no felt in a year. There is also no way I could actually reply to her, and knowing she reads this shit, I guess this will have to do.

She apologized to me, and I feel....empty. No, not really. I have that shitty feeling in my chest that I think she knew I got when I got really down.





Actually, you know, it's funny that she would apologize when it was me who was a shitty boyfriend. In fact, I used to think I'd have been in Ohio a long time ago if I wasn't an asshole who always faked breaking up with her or told her to stop telling me about things that was going in school. Maybe things would be nice.

The truth is, and the last time I checked (which was a long time ago now), she's with someone. I don't know what to think. I try not to think about it all. I had closed it in, and remain, every day, holding that door shut as hard as I try. But that came open in full force. My hands are shaking, and I might as well just go with it.

If Alex is really reading this, then I'd like her to know that....I was damaged before she and I dated. The only difference is that I'm more damaged, and full of hate. I'm full of despair at knowing no one cares about me and desperate for everything to end. My sociopathic brother cares about nothing, my mom only cares about me paying off my loans. The people at work call me the guy who never smiles, and that's the only impression I'm able to make.

But why would I want her to know this. Why would anyone want to know this? Why am I even trying to make a response to her. I have nothing positive to say, and I have nothing to give.

Either way, of course I couldn't help but look at her site. And of course, right there, the first thing I see is a picture of her. This was not needed.



I was reading some of my old journals from high school a couple of days ago. There's lots of deja vu in them. It's like reading this blog except they're seven and eight years old. My life has not changed in a decade. How pathetic is that that I have not gained any skills in bettering myself.


Anyways. It's not much of a coherent response, and I guess this is the last time I'll ever hear from Alex, which is sad in a way. It's like I'm losing her again.