Today, I was going to try and put this whole Alex thing out of my head. I didn't want to get involved, and potentially hurt. But you know me; I'm very weak. I eventually said "fuck it," and asked why. What's changed? Wasn't she with someone or something? Who cares about me.

Apparently, nothing's changed. She still likes "creeping" on people, and what's more interesting to someone like that than some loser on the internet spilling everything out as a means to cope? Maybe, that's a little harsh. I mean....I think I meant more than that at one point or another.

Either way, she replied and somehow, I didn't expect it. But that's natural for me to think the worst. But then again, why would it be the worst to me for her to not reply? Because I am so emotionally unhealthy that I don't know the difference between love and hate, or a smile and a frown. I have no idea what I want from people to be honest.

I have no idea what to say to her. The only reason I really said anything before was out of curiosity. Now, it's like....to say something, I would be wanting something. Do I want to talk to her? Yeah, in a way. She was, at one point, everything to me in the most literal sense. But I also don't want to talk to her. What would she be to me? I don't think I could ever be simple friends with someone that I had intense feelings for. That's why I stopped talking to her in the first place. It feels like a long time ago, but it really wasn't.

This is all so....weird. What am I even doing? Every time I write on here it's about "Oh, I'm so fucking poor and lame. Oh, Alex hurt me." And now I'm sitting here going "Oh, what should I say?" I'm such a fucking loser. All I wanted to do was forget about her, and now I have her Tumblr information where I will undoubtedly not be able to control myself and look at it from time to time.


Aside from the self hate, I pretty much thought about Alex all day at work today. It was pretty degrading. I told Shoe about it, and he told me I should try and talk to her. He really doesn't know me, though. He still knows me as the fun guy that's making people laugh, or something; I don't know. If he really knew me, he'd know that talking to Alex would ultimately only be a short term fix. I would not gain any long term peace from it. I think I'm just better off writing things out on some blog in a secluded corner of the internet. But it apparently isn't secluded since Alex is reading this. Lovely.




Anyways, I like the idea of posting what song I'm listening to while I write, so here's the song of the night.