I've gotten, again, to the point where I don't really know how I feel about anything; just that part of the circle I'm always going around in I guess. I'm kind of sad, but not really. I'm a little clueless as what I should be doing nowadays. I think it shows at work as I tend to stand around a lot not really knowing what I should be working on. I'm usually told to do whatever needs to be done, where before, I was pretty good at just seeing what needed to be done and I'd do it without being told.

I guess I just feel a little empty right now. I've gone a couple months now with no real friends, and no one to really talk to. Alex and I don't really talk much, and it's not that we don't get along. People at work are just co-workers. It's not enough that I feel that way, but I also don't know how I'd like to feel about anything.


I tend to not care much about anything. I go around work not caring if someone gets on to me. I barely cared when I was "attacked." My supervisor gets on to me, and I just ignore what he's saying. Mom gets on to me, and I just look at the ground till she's done ranting. I don't know what I'm feeling; nothing much really.

I remember in Atlanta, if I was depressed, I'd just lay in bed and shut everything out. Now I can't do that. I have things that need to be done, and I really don't have much time to just do nothing. I wish I could just sit around all day spacing out.

I guess if there's anything neat to talk about, it's that I have a beard. I wanted to shave it off today, because it was getting irritating, but I decided I want to keep it. I like the beard. Maybe I'll meet another girl like Alex who likes beards.

At work, there's this guy....that I guess I'd say I'm okay friends with. We go back and forth most times we talk with each other, but tonight, apparently, he must have not been joking this time. We were pretty much like "oh, you think you can take me?" [like guys do I suppose (I've gotten a lot better at being more like a guy)]. I'm guessing "You can't do anything faggot" pissed him off, because he got in my face and talked some shit.

All of a sudden, he was pushing me back and had his arm on my throat. My "training" kicked in, surprisingly, and I had my thumb driving into his ribs and so he was off me kind of quickly. I was really surprised he attacked me like that...at work.

I was really angry about it at first, but I closed my eyes and took a long, deep breath. And I felt better. A few minutes later, I was laughing at jokes with my friend till I clocked out.

I also just wanted to say that I got into the Star Wars: The Old Republic beta, and it is so good. It kind of sucks, because now, I'm going to get all addicted to it. /sigh I made a busty, cute, female Sith warrior. It's pretty awesome.

I was wondering if I should still get that Sith tattoo, but I think it'd just remind me of Alex every time I looked it at. So, that sucks.

L's coming over today for Thanksgiving, and we're going to play the new Batman game all day. It's gonna be sweet.

I've also been growing my facial hair out more often, but then I shave when it gets itchy. I figured since it's November, I'd grow it out all month. I'd like to say I look good with short hair and a mild beard. It helps that I've lost a lot of weight.

Yep.

Today was better as far as being angry goes in the sense that I wasn't. So that's a step up. I think it had to do with the fact that I didn't have a lot of work to do, and I didn't have to stay long also knowing that tomorrow I'm off. Tomorrow (Monday) is also my favorite day.

Monday is basically my Saturday. It's also when the new episode of my shows come on, and I pretty much enjoy my shows more than anything. But the Batman game comes out on Tuesday, so I can stop by GameStop after work. This should be a relatively nice week with no reason for it....not to be really.

I guess I always feel down about something with no real reasons. I see that, but I don't really know what to do about it. Plus, I don't really know what I'm doing that's keeping me from being all out depressed. I can only attribute it sticking to myself. It's really safe, and there's no one to sway my feelings.

I feel like I repeat the same things a lot when it comes to this subject, but I think the reminder is needed and it's a good way for me to reflect.




I've been listening to black metal a lot lately. I always come back to it every once in a while. I tend to stick with Dimmu Borgir and Cradle of Filth.

I'm entering a new (not really new for me) phase. I finally got tired of being silent all the time. It got boring, and I became lonely. So how does my mind react? I become a dick again. I try to come off as joking, but I know some of it is really coming off as a serious attitude problem.

I was also a little angry today at work. I don't really know why, either. I was just angry for no reason. That and being an asshole...well it isn't a nice thing to be, but I also just don't care right now. I ultimately just want to be distracted from everything, and this works for now. I'll probably go back to being quiet soon enough.

I admit I rather do enjoy just being silent and keeping to myself is more enjoyable, but that's only because I tend to romanticize it as if everyone's wondering what's going on inside me, but really, no one's paying attention and I guess that's half the point. But the other part of romanticizing it from these rare days I'll have where I'm genuinely and 100% content. I just feel nice and quiet, and I literally am not thinking about anything. It's peaceful, and being a dickhead is destructive and chaotic for me.

I don't care to be like that, but it's only a reaction to needing my bare need of human contact. Once, I've had my full, I'll go back to "normal." It is kind of funny how I reach out for connection by being a jerk, but only to people I know which right now is my co-workers. People, like the ones at Chik-Fil-A, I am a lot nicer and outgoing. I never was good at treating the right people the way I should treat them, I guess.

Another thing I'd like to talk about for once is my atheism. I am an Atheist, and people just...cannot understand it I think. Some people think that means I worship the devil (who I don't believe in), and some people just don't believe me. They think I'm just "acting out," or going through a phase. I can see how people would have thought about me back in 9th grade when I decided I was an Atheist, but that was about nine years ago (shit, that was a long ass time ago...).

The fact is that I'm using, what I think, is logic. A god, be that the Christian god or any god, just doesn't sound real to me. It's all based around blind faith, and the need to feel like there's more out there. But the fact that I'm a huge pessimist being able to live without religious hope also helps me to see that it's really just the idea a very core human want: eternal life.

Everyone wants to live forever, and the idea of dying is scary. We can't live forever, but we can have kids and pass on our blood. Why are people so obsessed with passing on their name or blood? It's the idea of living forever. It's just pretty basic to me.

That doesn't mean that I believe in evolution, or anything. I mean I realize if I don't believe in god, then it must be evolution. But really, I don't care too much about where we came from. It's what happens after we die that I'm more passionate about, and I just believe that nothing happens.

We're finally apart like a snow day full of kids going back to class; a burnt cross and no leaf. I have no time, and I didn't realize I was lonely. A lack of faith to lay awake, so I can feel like I can come over.

Let me see how to come with the right swim wear for this night so I can bury my head round you. Oh, we can try and marry ourselves around you. It's a great concept. It's of great intellect. It's a way for me to open some champagne on New Years. What'd you think? That I was an earthquake?

I'm definitely a mess. It's not a lie that I can sing some jingles that make me feel like a snake. I asked you nicely to leave me alone, and I asked you to please put me in my place. I'm everything I hope for one day I can put out of mind. Maybe someday, I'll grow a soul.

Maybe some day, my heart will start beating, so I can hate to haunt you. I am a gate to flaunt you. I am not a part of the time on the watch I don't wear anymore. I don't need to understand as long my arm's are surrounding the arm rest.

I made a mistake. The other day, I was watching Alex play Skyrim and he had MSN up on his laptop. So I said dumb things to his girlfriend, and out of boredom, I said one thing to Alex on there, too. The thing is is that every time I watch Alex play a game, Alex is never online. So I didn't think saying something would matter.

But the one time I do say something, I guess Alex gets online and see's it. Apparently, she asked about me and said something along the lines of thinking I didn't want anything to do with her and that it was weird for me to say something to her. The fact is that I don't want anything to do with her. I don't want to know that I've known her. I guess saying dumb shit to her on MSN really goes against that. I should have known better.

It's messing with me a little; I'll be honest. I'm keeping myself from jumping on MSN, and talking to her. And I'm just trying not to think of her too much. Hopefully, writing about this will have helped later. I'll be going to work in a little while, so that should help.

Everything's just so tough to deal with. That's why I need to stick to myself, and while I'll be bored, at least I won't have to deal with stuff like this. I have become a very scared and cowardice person.

I'm just laying here. I don't really know how I've felt lately; not bad or good. It's been a little quiet which is nice. I feel like...I don't even know to be honest. I just don't feel, yet I feel like something should be there. Maybe it's just that I'm laying with nothing really going on.

I've been working a lot. The holidays are coming, and the workload has slowly been increasing. Yesterday, I got seven customers at once, and for the first time there, I had to run to get to something I needed. It wasn't a bad thing. It was kind of a rush. I asked my supervisor if I could have the 3AM shift for Black Friday, because I want to experience it.

I've been really quiet at work lately not really wanting to be friendly. Most people have noticed "something's wrong." Everyone's always talking about how I look sad and such. Alice said my art is garbage, and I've gone on ahead and written her off. Her trying to convert had already made me dislike her, but now she's done this. She's an annoying person.

Everyone at Chik-Fil-A said hey to me, and called me by my name. They talked to me. It was weird. I'd been wanting some friends, but all I could think about was "Please leave me alone." I pretty much have no idea what I want. I want some kind of crazy and impossible balance between having and not having friends.

The Fall video game line up is coming to a close. It was a pretty amazing year. I got a shit ton of games, and have two left to get. I'm also getting a new TV on Black Friday, and I can't wait.  Having a job has done wonders for me with being able to buy games. I literally didn't hold back, or have to decide which two or three games I really wanted. I just got everything I wanted. Surprisingly, I have been having a lot more fun playing MW3 MP than BF3. Alex keeps picking on me about it, but I like what I like I suppose.

Today, I thought about getting what you deserve. I didn't think of it as karma, but I guess that's pretty much what I'm talking about. I don't really believe in getting what you deserve. Nothing good or bad happens to you based on who you are or what you've done. When I thought about it, it felt so prominent. But now it just kind of like "duh." I think maybe I've been getting a more "take what you want" attitude, but it's not very clear yet. I think it's just a "having a job and no bills" phase, and just splurging till I'm back in the real world.

I feel like I should write about my feelings on wanting a girlfriend, but the fact is that I don't know right now. Obviously, I'd like to have someone that makes me happy and feel good. But it's just kind of scary. I'm genuinely intimidated by trying to find someone. But I'm also waiting for it to just happen, or at least that's how I hope it happens. That's how Alex and Emily happened. I feel like I'm looking without really doing so.

I guess I want one, but I think I don't really need one. Like, I can see that I think. I definitely don't need someone in my life to make me happy anymore. I've learned to finally do it on my own, and I think that certainly plays a part in being unsure about having a girlfriend. I'd be scared to start depending on someone, because I don't know, yet, how give myself to someone without depending on them.

Ultimately, I'm just scared. I realize that I'd like some company and someone to talk to, but I see pretty fucking clearly how it is for me when I get close to someone. It's just way better for me to stay by myself and admire from afar.

Tonight, I went out to eat at El J's. When we were leaving, I saw a girl that looked a lot like Emily, and, of course, I nearly had a panic attack where my breathing started getting crazy and my heart started beating super hard. It wasn't fun. I got it under control as fast as I could, because I didn't want mom or the Herbs to ask what was wrong. I've really learned that my mom is just not understanding when it comes to that subject, or any subject that has to do with me dealing with emotional problems.

I did do some thinking afterwards, though. I thought how shitty it is that I still can't not fall apart if I see Emily. I was fucked up from just seeing her parents at Sears. I don't know if it means that I'm just still completely not over her. I tried to think of other reasons why I'd still react like this. I had a good reason before, but I can't remember it now.

It kind of excites me more; the prospect of moving to Seattle. God, I would never have to worry about seeing anyone I know. I literally worry about seeing Emily at places here. It makes me feel pathetic, but I think it may be normal...for some. I think it kind of shows how deeply in love I really was with her no matter how bad things got. But I rather not think about that.

I feel lonely.

I had something that I wanted to write about today, but I can't remember what it was. I think it had to do with a particular feeling I had today. I think it was something....oh, yeah. I remembered just now.

I was thinking about how I missed getting lovey text's, and stuff like that. But then I thought about how oh, my god, I don't think I could ever get to that point again. I mean that in the sense that....I just don't know if I can see myself being open enough with my feelings anymore, so I let anyone in. That would, I assume, keep me from getting to the point in a relationship where I could receive a lovey text.

I think I just need to meet the kind of person that I automatically can be myself with? I don't know.

I have been thinking about the fact that I'm free to do whatever I want, and I don't have to buy stuff all the time for a girlfriend. That's nice. There are other things like that that I think about, and how it'd just ruin my day to day. I mean I'm already not always happy, but at least I'm pretty content most of the time.

Lately, I've been doing two new things.

The first thing is that to stop thinking of Alex, I think more about Emily. Out of both of them, it hurts more to think about Alex. It's actually kind of worked. I've been kind of sad, but not too much, about Emily. But I haven't really thought of Alex at all, so that's sweet. I didn't even think of her again till tonight, and it sucks, but I couldn't not look at her Tumblr. Thankfully, there wasn't anything on there that hurt me.

The other thing I've been doing has to do with the fact that you can be happy in one of area of your life, and the other areas suck. So I've decided work is not that good anymore. I still work pretty hard, and it's not like I hate being there. But I feel angry there. The other day, I was really going all out working, and no one bothered me. I was possessed. One guy told me he appreciated how hard I've been working, since no one really gets shit done.

A lot of people there have been asking if I'm okay, though. They all say I look "so sad." I've been getting really good at walking off, and ignoring people.

But the upside of the whole thing is that I'm in a pretty good mood when I get home after work. I'm pretty fine right now. I'm sore from dealing with heavy shit all day, but I'm in a relatively good mood. It's a good trade off. I'm angry at work, but not like obsessively pissed or anything, and I get to relax at home. By myself.

It's really all just a distraction from my loneliness.

I've been having a really bad time at staying content in the sense that I had been pretty content mostly 100% of the time before. Now, I'm just bothered all the time. I'm literally haunted by thoughts of Alex, and I'm always worried something bad is about to happen.

A few nights ago, I made the mistake of looking at Alex's Tumblr, and it fucked me pretty hard. I have to deal with reopening that wound, but when I say I've learned from my mistakes for good, I hope I can really keep myself away from her from now on. This is the second time I've looked at it, and came away in a worse condition.

The other day, I dropped a range at work, and I became paranoid that it was broken and that I'd be in trouble. The range finally went out yesterday, so there must have been no problems with it. But even still, I've kept having this shitty feeling that something bad is going to happen. Every time nothing happens, I expect the feeling to have disappeared, but I'm having the crappiest time shaking it away.

This really sucks, because I haven't even been that excited about this Monday and Tuesday. I mean, it's been nice to watch my shows, get my books and game. But I'm not overwhelmingly excited like I usually get. It kind of upsets me that this girl, whom I've grown to really scorn, is still controlling the way feel from day to day. I'm still trying really hard to get over her, and to move on. It's just been so hard.