I had an evening on Saturday where I was at the gym, and watching TikTok. There was a video of some pharmaceutical rep at a Congressional hearing just smirking about the fact that they control these crazy prices and the government can’t do anything. It made me so upset. I thought how am I supposed to live in this world with people like this. The companies are corrupt, the government is corrupt, and we’re all just along for the ride. 

I’ve come a long way I think in letting things go. I really took a liking to Buddhism in my search to become mentally healthy. I’ve really enjoyed what I’ve learned from it and applying it to my life, but that brings me back to the TikTok video. I talked to a friend of mine about my feelings on it and he reminded me there’s nothing I can do about it and we’re all just animals in nature. It sounds a little nihilistic, but it helped. There’s nothing I can do except try to get into government? But that’s not realistic at all. The best thing I can do is just let it go. 

What good does being upset about it do? Do I spend my life being upset about nothing I can do? Or feel guilty for letting it go and moving on with my life? It’s Monday now and I’ve still be thinking about it because it’s so conflicting. 

Letting it go seems like the clear answer. People will do what they want even if it’s a horrible thing, and I just have to focus on doing what I want which is living the best life I can while trying not to be an asshole to everyone.

When I started going to the gym a couple of years ago, I would judge people so harshly. It would be stupid things like how they were dressed to things I had no business judging others for like their inability to use a machine correctly. I picked up on it after a while because it was affecting me and making me mean, so I started working on it.

I think a lot of what I've learned and learned to apply just kind of happened. I don't feel like I put these things into practice, but maybe I'm selling myself short. The way for me to get better at it is to catch myself and stop myself when it happens. I told myself to stop worrying about others at the gym, and I would catch myself doing it. It's been a while since I started it, and I realized recently that I don't have thoughts about others at the gym anymore especially negative ones. I'm sure the reason why it feels like I don't put any work in it is because I do practice, but before I know it, I'm not even thinking about it anymore.

My goal is to just learn to be more positive and less upset at everything. It includes everything from being a more patient driver to not being upset all the time at the state of the world. I feel like I'm getting there; it's just the small nitpicks I need to work out for the most part.

The biggest nitpick I have is judging people on how they're dressed. I know it's the lamest thing but it's always been a huge flaw of mine. I know it stems from being bullied so much growing up, and it's way past time to learn to let that go. I'm working on it, though. It'll still take a while, but I know I'll get there. 

 Hello. I started having this urge to start journaling again for the past few months or so. I know this sounds dumb, but I was reading a Miles Morales comic, and he was talking about how he started journaling. Then Apple came out with a new iOS update that introduced a Journal app, and I just felt like...let's get started I suppose.

I was reading my lost post from 2020, and it just kind of makes me laugh a little. It was so scary. But I should give myself some slack, it was really scary at the time. I complained about the election, and here we are at election season again. Yay. But anyways.

I wanted to start journaling again, because I spent a lot of last year focusing on my mental health; things like meditating, learning to stop having fake arguments in my head, trying to be more patient. I think it all really helped and I learned a lot. I think journaling could also help. I want to be more introspective, and this would definitely help with that I think.

This is really just an intro post. I thought about starting on another website or the iOS app, but I feel like I should keep it on here. This page is so embarrassing, but that just shows how much I've grown so I should reflect that with this new desire to start journaling again.

 It’s been a hell of a year. 2020. Last year was amazing. Monica and I were so happy. I was financially doing great, and doing all kinds of things I could never afford to do. We had plans for this year, and it was going to be even better. The beginning was nice. I traveled around the state for work, Monica and I were making plans for the year, and things were nice. 

I remember the subtle dread setting in very clearly. In late December the world was hearing about some kind of virus in China, but it was Christmas and no one cared. In January and February, we kept hearing more and more, but we all figured it was going to be the next Swine Flu and nothing major would happen. But then in March, COVID-19 hit the US and the rest of the world pretty hard and fast. 

The world went on a month long quarantine. Monica, Tim and I brought a lot of groceries. Luckily we all had toilet paper, because it was the first thing to disappear off of the shelves. It was really scary and our mental health took a nose dive, but we got through it. Monica and I had the best time we could trying to do what we could. 

But that was March. It’s the middle of October now, and lots of people are still working from home. The economy is down the drain, and the election is in a month. It’s been a nerve wracking time to say the least. Writing about it honestly makes me feel like I’m living in the post apocalypse, and I’m writing about what life used to be like. Well life used to be amazing. 

I had my second COVID test today. I still go to work and honestly I can’t complain, because so many people are out of work. The negative side to it is that I’m more susceptible to getting infected. Half of our workplace is in quarantine right now waiting to hear their results. I won’t get mine for another three days. 

Like I said, this is my second time going through this personally. The first time it happened, I wasn’t very worried. It was only one person in the office. But this time, I’m terrified. It affects people differently. Some people get flu like symptoms, some people get nothing but are still contagious, and some people just go comatose and die. 

Right now, my emotions are turned off. I feel like a shell. If you know me, obviously my anxiety has decided the comatose and die option is the most likely option. Monica has been trying to make me smile. It works, but even I could hear her almost start to cry when she told me she loved me like it was the last time she’d get to say it. Tim tries to act goofy and like it’s all fine. Honestly it might all be fine, but who knows. 

What can I say. 2020 has been a trying year, and I’ve only talked about the pandemic. I haven’t mentioned the presidential corruption, the all time high racial tensions, the protests. The pandemic looks to continue through 2021, so I can only hope things get better. Honestly I just hope I’m still around. I still have so many things I want to do with Monica. 

   I had a dream last night about Alex. It was kind of weird, and I just felt like writing about it I guess. It helps to get it out of my system. I can't really remember what it was about. I was hanging out with her in her room/apartment and it had been a while since we'd talk, but I guess we decided to hang out in person after this whole time. Anyhow, that's all I really remember. I remember thinking in the back of my head, I was hoping we could try and rekindle things.

   Like I said, it was a weird dream. I think it happens every once in a while; I'll dream about an old girlfriend or friend. In fact, now that I think about, I had dreamed about my dead grandparents the night before. I must be going through some weird dream phase. I've been dreaming a lot lately, and I wish I would stop. I feel like I haven't gotten a good nights sleep in a while.

   I guess right now, I'm just thinking of people I miss. I think of my grandparents all the time. I wish I could see them one more time or ask them for advice. I'm just glad I was there with them before the end. As far as Alex goes; can't really say I miss her. If I thought of her, it'd be a little nostalgic I guess, but I feel like that about almost everything because I always romanticize the past. When I moved here from Atlanta was one of the more depressing times in my life, but I think back fondly to sitting alone on my lunch break at work reading post apocalypse novels at the time.

   I can't complain. It's better than thinking about the bad parts of the past, although I definitely think about those things a lot sometimes, too, but I try not to dwell.

    You know when an addict or alcoholic relapses? I imagine this is what it feels like. I feel like I did something and fucked up so bad. And I swear it's like one of these days, something different has to happen but it doesn't. You'd think after what? A year or more; that it'd be different this time. You'd think I could just meet someone that is really good, and it would just stay that way. But it literally never does.

    I'd been playing it so safe, and never let myself feel anything real. But it started to catch up with me, and now I'm so lonely. I haven't felt like this since Alex and broke up years ago. The thing is is that I know I'll probably feel better in the morning. I'll probably feel numb tomorrow, and thank god I work by myself because I couldn't stand to put up a fake smile all day tomorrow.

    But the thing is is that I feel everything right now, and I feel so raw and dead. I feel ripped open and I just want to get it out of my system. So here we go; another year of me pushing everyone away again and not allowing myself to feel anything again because being dead inside is the only thing I can do.

    Lately I've been thinking about Alex a lot, and I don't know why really. I guess it has to do with how I've been feeling lately. It's like returning to the scene of the crime, because it's familiar. And I just hate it all. Everything feels jumbled up and I just want to lash out, but I can't because I have no one to talk to. Tim doesn't know me at all. Shoe will give me half baked wisdom that I fed him already.

    I wish I could talk to my mom when I feel this way, but I feel like I'd be letting her down. She's got the addict son, the son who isn't there, and me, the one who won't stop being sad about everything. It'd be like telling her "Yep, all you sons are fucked up." and I don't want her to think that when in the back of my mind, I know she'd be there for me. She knows what it's like to feel this way. But I still can't tell her. It's pride at this point.

    I don't want to die. I'm not suicidal. I just want everything else to disappear.

   Hey pals. I've started getting kind of sad again. It looks like I last wrote in 2014, and not that I can really remember every detail of the last two years, things were relatively okay. They were okay enough for me not to feel the need to write on here at least.

   I don't really feel like recapping the last two years, though. Instead I'll say I think I've gotten a lot better at dealing with emotional and mental stress. I may have grown up a bit, too. I just overall felt a little better about things. But lately things have started to pile on me a bit, and it's gotten a little tough and I just felt like writing about it on here. Why not?

    I had gotten really comfortable in life. I've been saving money up and living comfortably overall. I can grocery shop without trying to seriously budget myself too hard. I can buy wings every week, and a game every so often. It's pretty nice as far as those kind of things go. But my student loan payment went up, so I had to start preparing to be poor again like I was in Atlanta and I really didn't want to do it. So Alex suggested I go to BioLife and give plasma. I could make $280 or so every month. The problem is that my veins are not "good enough," and I was put on a wait list for three months. I've got two months left and I've been lifting weights and playing tennis. I try to drink more water, but that's the hardest part honestly. So I really hope my veins are up to standard and that extra money will really help me out. If it doesn't, I gotta start working more hours which is an option, but I rather not. Either way, I just have to wait and see what happens.

   Sears seems to be disappearing sooner than later, and I will have to look for a new job. I don't know where to work and I really don't want to start over. In fact, I don't think I can start over. It would be devastating. I really need to get a real job if I have to get a new one. It's really stressful to think about, but people keep saying we've still got a while, but I don't know. I feel like it'll be over next year.

   Tim and I have not gotten along great for a while now. He does things that piss me off and when I call him out, he gets offended and says he's not doing anything. I would like to say he's telling the truth and that I'm taking things wrongly. But I would also like to say that's not true. There are things I don't like that people do and he does them all all the time. So it's like yeah, I could learn to take it better. But he could also stop taking things personally when I call him out and realize that I'm allowed to be upset if you upset me. It's been going on a while. He put in his two weeks to get a new job, because it most like relates to us being around each other too much, and I'll be the first to tell you more time away from him would be nice. I honestly don't like him that much.

   I'm trying to pace myself and not get too down about all these things, and for the most part it works. I think I'm better at managing stress, but it's still all very stressful to deal with at the same time.

   But mostly I think it's causing after effects from dealing with it so long which honestly this all started at the beginning of the year. Dealing with this for half a year is too much, and it's starting to take a toll. I'm starting to feel really depressed again in a way I haven't felt in a long time, but it's not that bad. It's just bad enough.

   Honestly, day to day is pretty okay. It's mostly when I get home and I have nothing to do except sit in front of my computer and I start to feel a bit empty. It's funny, but I play games online with my friends most nights. I have friends come over every so often. Other than having a dead beat job (that at least gives me a comfortable life), I think my life is fulfilling. But I still feel empty. I feel like I'm missing something. I'm 27, still haven't met a girl. I still talk to myself all the time, because I'm lonely.

    It's pretty funny how I finally come on here to post and it's about something good for once, and then the next day, I'm right back on because things just aren't right I suppose. Well, I had a nice reminder on how alone I am. It was like a reminder of all the things I believe to be true actually are true. I actually hoped against things I know will happen anyways.

    I actually don't mean to be vague, but I feel like it's something I've said so many times; that all I do is bark up the same empty tree day after day. I guess it's more like a reminder to back off. I did start to become friendly with people at work, and I suppose doing that set off in me the ability to feel like I could have more or feel like I wanted or deserved more.

    You know the truth is that I'm a good ole fashioned loser. I gave up on everything, and I've settled for a quiet indispensable life hoping to just make it through. I don't know. Maybe it's not so bad.

    So I really wanted to talk about the day I had today. It was not amazing exactly, but what came out of it I think I the good part. Today I wasn't feeling all that well but I pushed through it, because we had two trucks and I didn't want to bitch out. It wasn't too bad, though. The boss kept on lighter duties, and I'd go take a five minute break after pushing myself too hard sometimes. But really, it wasn't so bad or even that long especially for a 12-8 day.

    When I got home, I washed up a bit, put on some smooth jazz, and started cooking. The thing is is that I've been cooking a lot more lately. I've really gotten into it, and I've also been trying to eat a little healthier. I try to not drink as much sweet tea and limit mysel to two glasses a day and then switch to water. I've also been working on portion control. A few years ago, I used to love pizza rolls and I would about demolish two bags in one night. But I haven't had them in a couple of years, and one night after work, I just wanted something quick and easy so I thought pizza rolls. I got one bag and couldn't even finish it all. So I'm proud of myself for that. It feels good.

    But anyway, I made some fried rice and teriyaki chicken, and threw it all in a bowl. I discovered that Kroger sells the orange hibachi sauce which is wonderful, and I poured some on there. I had some left over angel cake and whipped cream, so I got some for dessert. I took it all to my room, and watch an episode of LOST on Netflix.

    I've stopped eating pasta a lot more, and gave it up for rice. I've been making salads a lot, too, and making really awesome toasted sandwiches. I bought shrimp a couple of times, and added some buttery garlic and threw it in with my salad; amazing. When I do make pasta, I've learned how to make home made Alfredo sauce and god, I can never go back to Alfredo in a jar.

    The point I'm trying to make is that today was the type of day I had been aspiring for for a very long time. Work was tough, yet not really. It was quiet at least, and I had my headphones on. I came home, listened to jazz and cooked a very satisfying dinner. Watched tv and then put the jazz back on while I did the dishes. It was just all so nice. And to top it all off, it's thundering as I write this. I love the rain.

    I had decided to step back out of my shell, and try to meet a girl. Surprisingly and unsurprisingly, it didn't work out. I guess I just somehow thought that for once, something other than the usual would happen. And when I say the usual, I really mean the usual.

    I find a girl who's really cool and we get along. For a few days, everything's cool and then my rejection issues start to cause a stir in my head. And then she disappears literally, as in we're getting along and then I just don't hear from her again.

    The problem is did I do something wrong? I'd like to be more confident in myself and say that maybe she did like me, but things were going on in her life and she felt too bad to tell me. Or maybe I just fucked up.

    The lesson I'm learning (again) is that.....actually is there really anything to learn here? I just know that I stepped out from under my rock, and I got stepped on again. If anything, I have that one more notch on my belt as proof to myself that there's no point.

    I really don't want to sound completely bummed out. Yeah, it sucks, but tomorrow, I'll be fine and it'll be whatever.

    Well, hey. We're halfway through the year and I've only posted three times. So let's get started.

    Hmm....

    You know when you meet someone and they're clearly full of themselves, and you think they should probably take it down a notch. I think I'm like that, but really, I think maybe we're all like that in a way. So I think is it bad to be...no, this isn't something I really feel like talking about.

    Alex Wood and I do not talk anymore again. But nothing happened. I think something happened with him and he stopped caring and/or trying. Luckily, he does these things in a way that annoys me so I don't have to care either way. I used to be like "hey, check this out" to let him know I was still his friend but I stopped this time. And yes, there have been times when I wanted to include him in something but I tell myself "Would he really care or appreciate it?" We could be friends sometimes, but I'll never not think he's devoid of empathy.

    Alex Welch and I do not talk, either. Uh...well, there's not much to say. I guess I actively stopped talking to her anyways, because in the back of my head, I always thought I was still important, but I figured out that I was only good for listening to her problems or helping her with computer junk. And let me tell you, she seems to drop you pretty quickly when you don't do the one thing she uses you for. I'm not putting her down, I'm the same way, but it doesn't mean I'll be used, either. I did try to be friendly a few times, but she seemed to have no time for that. I thought about just deleting her off Tumblr, because it's not like I care about her content, but I don't know. I'm always curious.

    I took Lennon to see three movies this month. Oh, my god. It's a good thing I got three paychecks this month. All three movies were awesome, and I had a good time. We do this thing before a movie starts where we get super excited and "power up" like Dragon Ball Z characters....ha. I also took him to Momocon. I spent a lot of money this month. I'm not complaining, though, believe me.  I really enjoy being a good big brother. I think I'm really good at it. I can tell mom really appreciates me including him all the time, since my other brothers and I never had good relationships with each other.

    Tim and I have had this weird tension for a little while. I'm getting to that point where I'm kind of a dick. But the thing I like about Tim is that he can take it. He's like my little punching bag, and I think he gets off on it? I honestly don't see what he sees in me, but hey, whatever works. There hasn't been a tension with Shoe, but I haven't really let him know there is any. I don't know why. Normally, I don't care. He's really kind of been annoying me lately, though, but in weird ways that would sound ridiculous if I told him. So I'm just letting it ride out.

    I've been pretty close to getting a new job lately. I want it but I don't. I get a way bigger paycheck, but it means working outside, the one thing I didn't want to do when I grew up. Plus, dad is helping me get it and I don't want to owe him anything. I don't want anything to do with him and Cathie for the most part and this put them right in my life. Hopefully, when I get this job, I can get my own place someday and just kick them right out my life. I don't want to not have Mel in my life, but I don't think she cares anyways. To her, I'm just the ungrateful black sheep I'm sure. Who knows what Cathie feeds her.

    But hey, life has been alright like usual. I really can't complain.

    Let's talk about girls. I really hate girls. You would think I should be gay, but I guess, it would be better to say that I hate people. I think it stems from having high expectations from how a person should be. I don't believe compassion exist anymore, and I don't like anyone without it.

    Let me just say that I think there's a difference between people and a person. A person is smart and has compassion, but people do not and I hate people. I'm at a point where I hate people so much that I don't want to be involved with a person on any level. I don't think there's any person out there that can offer what I need and want.

    Sure, you know, I'm weird. I admit it. I have an extremely dry sense of humor, and these days, I don't even know when I'm being sarcastic or not. Maybe I'm joking and being serious at the same time. But I know that I'm unique in that way and I know I require a certain type of person to be able to handle the way I am. That's why I'm friends with Tim. He gets it. And that's why I lost all my friends, because they grew up in ways that I didn't.

    "So Matt, you got Tim, why do you think you can't meet others that could 'put up with you?" Honestly, I'm just full of myself. I can't possibly fathom any idea that may mean there's someone out there for me. Hell, Tim is a mistake and a fluke in my system; a virus in a way.

    Even when I meet someone I think I could like, there's always that thing about them that almost makes me want to punch a wall. A problem I have is that I have tunnel vision. I can't see the big picture when it comes to people. Once, I find something about you that I can't stand, it's all I can see anymore. No, I don't think it's healthy, but it's my nature plus the things I have personally gone through to make me feel this way.

    I have a nature of egging people on. How far can I go before they shut me out? I need to push my limits on people. I already don't like them, so I don't care about losing them. I've seen girls that were so perfect physically, in my mind, they had to be perfect mentally. They had to be this girl I dreamed up in my head. But it always turns out to be the opposite, and I partly take the blame for it. It's my personality, and I honestly can't really pinpoint what it is sometimes.

    Sometimes, it's because I showed no interest which is obvious, but what about when I actually am interested in getting to know someone? What is it about me that turns people away? Is my hatred so vile that it has physically manifested itself, or is it literally dripping off my tongue when I speak? Can you see my hatred with your eyes?

    I went on a date a couple of weeks ago, and all I could think about was wishing I could go home.

    These last couple years, I have become a much happier person. I think closing myself off emotionally has helped. People will say, I'm not truly happy and maybe they're right, but even when I was young, I remember feeling like it would be better to stay in the middle than go through highs and lows. It's where I'm most comfortable.

    And it's not like I particularly liked people before I hated them anyways. I've always been an outcast, and kept to the outside watching others interact. I just think that sometimes I'm the only who cares, and I show it by not caring.

    Hey. I just thought I'd check in real quick. There hasn't been a lot going on during my day to day life, but outside of that, things have been moving along. Tim moved to the floor at work as a salesman, and Kevin's wife wanted him to quit to have him around more. My two only real friends in the back have moved on, but I'll still see Tim and I'll still stay in contact with Kevin. Things are just going to be quieter  for me in the back, and that's honestly not too bad.

    It may be a lot more quiet for Sears in general. I may be getting a job at the city. My dad knows a lot of people there and gave them a call, so in a way, I'd be surprised if I don't get the job. But obviously, there's always that nagging doubt in my head. I don't know. I'm sure it'll work out. I really hope it does. I kind of need this.

    I don't know how much more I've got in me when it comes to my dad. Of course I'm glad to be lucky enough so that he can help me get a job, but he's going about it completely wrong; so wrong that it's reminded me how shitty of a person he is. I was so ready to get over the past and start anew with him, but it all came back biting me in the ass. I wouldn't say it bit me in the ass so much that it was just a big wake up call. He's just an asshole, and when I get this job, I'm going to have to back off. Maybe it'll happen in the future, but right now, I'm not into the idea of letting him in my life.

    Things are still going pretty good, though. I had a couple of days where it felt like I may be slipping, but I just let it pass without dwelling on it. I think I felt more confident in myself that everything's okay. I finally found the tattoo I want to get. Someone had drawn this awesome design based on Dark Souls, and it is perfect. It's too bad it's not my own design, but I could still make one for myself in the future. I asked the guy if he was okay with me getting it as a tattoo, and he was excited about it. He asked for pictures. Of course, I'll need money first and if I get this new job, money wouldn't be a problem.

    Anyways, I think that's about it for tonight.

    As a fun side note, my mom walked in laughing a little. I got The Wallflowers playing and she was surprised I still listen to them. Man, I love 90's music.

     I've actually and honestly have been putting it off, but I figure it's time to check in for the new years. I've been doing so well, you'd wonder why I wouldn't want to talk about it but I feel like I only come here when things are bad and it's started to feel superstitious. Like I'll mess things up by coming around. But really, lately, things have been completely nice.

      You always hear you can't make others happy unless you can make yourself happy, or that you have to love yourself first. I can maybe see more clearly how that's true, but why would I want anyone new in my life to come mess up what I've got? I'm a lot more self possessed, and I know how to keep myself afloat. It took so long, there's no way I'm going to start letting others in to come destroy shit.

      This was the first holiday season that I didn't become depressed during. I wasn't looking forward to it at all, because that's what tends to happen. But I had a great holiday. My mom and I have become a lot closer which is something I never thought would happen. Alex and I are friends again which is also something that I never thought would happen. It seems like the whole family has been doing well.
   
     I remember I used to talk about feeling more like my old self, but honestly, I've transcended beyond that. I'm something completely new, and I don't think most people would recognize me. I always claimed to not care what others think, but it's so different when it's actually true. I've started smiling more, and not coming off as angry looking or whatever. I'm more social and nicer to the point that I can see how unattractive it is to be like how I used to be. There's a new girl at work, and I simply said "Yo, You new?" and she kind of rolled her eyes and was like yep. That was weird. I'm not used to being the one that's turned away in that way. It was funny, too, though.

     Alex and I hadn't talked a lot lately, so I messaged her on Thanksgiving kind of as an excuse to say I'm still around. In return, she messaged me first on Christmas. We kind of talked a little more after that. I started liking the idea of talking more again, because I honestly like her a lot. I had sent her something before, but I don't know if she got it. But it kind of felt like a good reminder that "Yeah, of course it won't work out." I kind of feel dumb, but I still don't want to let our friendship crumble.

     The only real bad thing that's happened is that my friendship with Chris finally did crumble. It could see it coming for so long, so it doesn't really bother me that much, but of course it still sucks. He just doesn't care or something, and whatever. I did everything I could, and I can't keep trying to hang on to people that make me feel like shit.

     There's only one thing that's been crappier than that, and it's that I've been sick since December. It first started off feeling like mono. I was so exhausted, and felt like I was dying. And then I had a fever that was on and off, and an extremely shitty cough. So I thought it was bronchitis maybe. It finally went away, but the cough didn't. And now I'm fighting off a damn cold. I'm pretty much ready to go into a coma until I feel better.

About two years ago, I met a girl whom I really liked. We got along right off the bat and talking was easy. We would have dated, I think, but she decided not to for superficial reasons. It sucked at the time, but ultimately, I was over it in a day. Really, though, I always did think we would have been good for each other.

We ran into each other tonight, and it was like "Oh, hello!" There was no bad blood, and we chatted with each other a little. When she said bye, I didn't want to say anything as in I didn't feel like it. I guess I didn't care.

When we were talking, I kept thinking, the old me would be excited at another chance. Maybe she'd gotten over her superficial reasons, and we'd be together. But honestly, I just kept thinking "I really don't feel like dating anyone." In fact, I really wasn't into talking to her all that much? It was fun, and it was okay. I got in a weird mind set where I felt like I was being challenged? I'm not sure how to put it.

All in all, I really just have no romantic interest in anyone.

I've begun realizing what I want. Maybe getting older has to do with it. I'm a stew that's been sitting for a while waiting for the herbs to mix in, and they've mixed. I don't want you. But who is you? I can't really say. I'm speaking in a future tense, and I know that when I meet someone, I won't want them.

It's really clear now that I don't want to be with anyone. Some may say it's because I was hurt so much in past relationships and that I'm giving up, and that's okay with me. Even if I meet someone, it won't last, right? I can say with all the certainty in the world that nothing last. 

Alex (the brother) and I reconciled. We get along. We don't talk much, and I find it appropriate. I think we don't need much interaction, and we'll get along in the future as well. 

My last two childhood friends, Stefan and Chris, don't talk to me anymore. That was a slow death that I saw coming. I tried to prevent it, but they do not care for my friendship. I don't think they dislike me. I simply do not fit into the fold anymore. It sucks, I'll admit, but I don't need them. For the longest time, Chris did not seem interested in talking anyways and I was able to get an early start and getting over him.

I don't even really care about talking to Alex (the internet friend) anymore. I used to get nervous at the idea of talking to her, because I was worried she didn't want to talk. I used to look forward to hearing from her. And it's not that I don't want to talk to her or that I don't like her, but I don't feel any kind of binding to her in which I wanted her around.

Don't get me wrong; I'm not sad. In fact, I've been doing very well lately. I've been extremely content. It helped to learn more about myself. I was so stuck on what I thought I needed and wanted. I needed a girlfriend, someone to be there for me. I needed my old friends to stick around. It turns out that I don't even prefer to have them around, and I really am against dating anyone. I don't even care about hooking up with a girl like I do sometimes. It's true that I was with a girl last month, yeah, but I was so glad when she left. And then there was the girl from the month before that....but I seriously spent more time playing with her kitten more than I did doing anything with her. And I was happy to leave. In fact, I left a lot earlier than planned.

I enjoy my own company, and just want to be left alone. Why woukd I want to be around all these...people?

Last month, I went to AWA with Lennon. We had an extremely good time. My birthday was earlier this month, and I really can't remember having such a nice birthday. In particular, this whole month has been very nice. My boss was giving me a really hard time for while, and still is a little, but he's all bark. I've gotten better at ignoring him. I'm probably jinxing it by writing about it, but hey, I gotta write about something good sometimes. 

My friend keeps being an asshole to me every time we play a game online together, so I think I'm just not going to play with him for a while. It's one of those stressful and co-op type of games, so I'm trying to make sure we're doing what we're supposed to do to make everything run smoothly. But he always has to be dick about it like "yo stop whining like a faggot"

So, yeah. Some friend.

I've been wishing people read my blog. I wish I had a fan, or someone who cared and could emphasize with me. I know no one reads this, though, and I know no one cares about my problems or anyone else's. I try to be a friend to others and be there for them, and I know I put up a wall and don't really let people know if I'm down. But I guess if someone was reading this, I wouldn't be able to put up a wall.

I'd just like to meet somebody who's not an asshole for once. It seems like everyone I meet becomes an asshole, and they're rude and just apathetic toward how they treat others. It leaves me remembering that I'm a compassionate person. I'm not the cold hearted person I tried to be, or wanted to be.

When I was younger, I used to not let it get me down. I was determined to stay above all the hatred, and I guess I'm trying to get above it again and just try to be a good person. I just wish I had someone to help me for once. I'm done trying to do everything alone. Or at least I'd like to be.

I guess if you're reading this, don't be a stranger.

You had it all, the hitmans strong armed shore. You're looking down and your heart is bleeding out the corn I picked up from our fight. You're going to bleed once you're back again, and I'm going let you leave to go back to go inside out of your kin's safe bed tonight. 

If you have a reason to fight; I know you're strong, you can chase em. When you lay down tonight, I know the thnig's you're saying; the things you'd know if you let them come in at night. You let them down, and it's beating colder to your delusional sense of giving. 

You're not going to live in Mexico, because there's no cure for our old faithful.  You're bleeding through my reason to fight and I know I'm not patient. I could lay down to die tonight, and know that there's no answers. 

Well, here it goes again. The dark times are coming.

Zack was not approved to transfer here, so there goes getting an apartment. He is being transferred to Italy. That's pretty cool, honestly. I wish I could just move to Europe. I am going to be stuck here.

Amazon is hiring 5,000 warehouse workers. I applied to their Delaware and Pennsylvania locations. I'll apply to more locations later. I figure I got two years of experience so who knows. But with the way things are going, nothing's going to come of it.

No one talks to me, and nothing's going right. I'm just going to be stuck in the town where I was born with a useless degree working for minimum wage living with my mom.

At least before, when I had to get through the tough times, it was based on something trivial or passive in a sense. It didn't really matter. I was just sad and waiting. But now everything is real. The darkness is real, and it's telling me this is it. This is as far as I go, and I'm going in alone.

When you're a kid, the adults paint this big, beautiful world for us and if we do the right things, things are going to be good for us.

I should really take up drinking.

I tried to fly, you know, and when I came in to land, is it safe? Am I going to stake this fifty dollar bill? There's a boy in my house, and he's playing on the couch. Where is it? The missing case figuring in on my reel.

There comes  a second man in my moms illicit majesty  Who would care if you do it when there's a doll to lose? How is this so surreal? 

Are you in your mask? What happens when we lose time? What's in your life? We were having fun at twelve o'clock. 

They'll be gone tonight when we're standing on the sky in our avenue. Are we at least living like beasts for a fifty dollar bill? Because there's an angry mob here for my wig. 

I kind of feel like I'm in the back seat of things. You know when you're in a car with some friends, and the other two are up front talking and it's hard to really have any attention given your way because you're in the back. Maybe they'll look back and ask if I'm alright, but then they go back to their own thing and leave you alone. And I really do feel alone. I feel like the guy everyone comes to with their problems.

It's been a while since anyone asked how I've been. I guess I've become unapproachable by acting like everything's okay. In a way, everything is okay I suppose. But I'm tired of being alone, and I want someone to talk to or someone that cares about how I've been. Yeah, I got my friends but they're just friends. I miss connecting on a deeper level.

Some stupid girl keeps whining to me about her ex messing with her, and I mean, I'm not going to just say whatever. I like to help others feel better, but it makes me feel worse when they do and then just go on about their day. It's like, you know...that's all I'm good to talk about?

Yeah, people are selfish and I did the whole selfish thing for a while. But lately, I'm back to my old self and I'm tired of hating everything. I guess the price for doing so is remembering the pain in everything. I just want to be important to someone.

I found out Alex has an STD and something else. She got a biopsy, and I became really worried. I realized I'd go mental if she were to not exist anymore. But I think everything will be fine.