Let's talk about girls. I really hate girls. You would think I should be gay, but I guess, it would be better to say that I hate people. I think it stems from having high expectations from how a person should be. I don't believe compassion exist anymore, and I don't like anyone without it.

    Let me just say that I think there's a difference between people and a person. A person is smart and has compassion, but people do not and I hate people. I'm at a point where I hate people so much that I don't want to be involved with a person on any level. I don't think there's any person out there that can offer what I need and want.

    Sure, you know, I'm weird. I admit it. I have an extremely dry sense of humor, and these days, I don't even know when I'm being sarcastic or not. Maybe I'm joking and being serious at the same time. But I know that I'm unique in that way and I know I require a certain type of person to be able to handle the way I am. That's why I'm friends with Tim. He gets it. And that's why I lost all my friends, because they grew up in ways that I didn't.

    "So Matt, you got Tim, why do you think you can't meet others that could 'put up with you?" Honestly, I'm just full of myself. I can't possibly fathom any idea that may mean there's someone out there for me. Hell, Tim is a mistake and a fluke in my system; a virus in a way.

    Even when I meet someone I think I could like, there's always that thing about them that almost makes me want to punch a wall. A problem I have is that I have tunnel vision. I can't see the big picture when it comes to people. Once, I find something about you that I can't stand, it's all I can see anymore. No, I don't think it's healthy, but it's my nature plus the things I have personally gone through to make me feel this way.

    I have a nature of egging people on. How far can I go before they shut me out? I need to push my limits on people. I already don't like them, so I don't care about losing them. I've seen girls that were so perfect physically, in my mind, they had to be perfect mentally. They had to be this girl I dreamed up in my head. But it always turns out to be the opposite, and I partly take the blame for it. It's my personality, and I honestly can't really pinpoint what it is sometimes.

    Sometimes, it's because I showed no interest which is obvious, but what about when I actually am interested in getting to know someone? What is it about me that turns people away? Is my hatred so vile that it has physically manifested itself, or is it literally dripping off my tongue when I speak? Can you see my hatred with your eyes?

    I went on a date a couple of weeks ago, and all I could think about was wishing I could go home.

    These last couple years, I have become a much happier person. I think closing myself off emotionally has helped. People will say, I'm not truly happy and maybe they're right, but even when I was young, I remember feeling like it would be better to stay in the middle than go through highs and lows. It's where I'm most comfortable.

    And it's not like I particularly liked people before I hated them anyways. I've always been an outcast, and kept to the outside watching others interact. I just think that sometimes I'm the only who cares, and I show it by not caring.