I remember at the beginning of this year, I felt like it was going to be a good year. I was in love, going to move to Cleveland and get a job. I'd be out of college and doing art or anything really just as long as I was with Alex.

Instead, I live with my shitty family here in GA, I work a shitty job at minimum wage, and Alex broke up with me. I'm angry and bitter all the time, and I feel like I have nothing to look forward to.

I'm still trying to get a better job, and move to Seattle. I just feel like its never going to happen. Not only does it feel like nothing good ever happens, but I just don't have any self motivation anymore.

The worst part is that I took up smoking and drinking. I just don't give a fuck anymore. 

Someone at work took a few minutes to give me a serious talk about me as a person. I can't and I don't think I ever really knew where it came from. It just happened, but he talked about how I come off as people, and if I want that to change then I need to change first and he gave me some pointers on what I could do.

It was a very positive thing of him to do. He didn't put me down, but did point out the negative aspects about me. It was weird. I have no idea why this guy, who I've never cared for in the first place, cared so much. He'd say he doesn't care, but he must on some level. Because it wasn't a talk; it was something different and helpful. He had to care to talk to me about that and like that.

One idea he gave me was to record myself when talking to people. He said that he knows I probably think I come off as joking, but I don't. I come off as brash and uncaring. Something I never explained to him was I do it on purpose mostly to keep everyone at bay. But he said I can listen to myself and hear how I talk to people. I guess it's a good idea if I ever feel like trying to change.

But I don't think I'll ever get to the point of wanting to.

I have a very intense hatred for everyone. I can't really figure out if I want to feel this way or not. It's pretty much like anyone who says anything to me is going to get hurt, and I feel glad to hurt them.

I've also noticed I've become violent. I make "jokes" at work about physically hurting people when they "mess with me," but I can feel it in me. I have too much control over my actions to ever snap, though.

Any feelings of wanting to meet a girl is just a primal want. I don't want to connect. I really don't even want to meet.

Speaking of that, I was at my dads and Cathie's house. They asked if I'd met anyone, and I told them I wasn't interested. Cathie, whether she was genuinely concerned or not, talked to me about realizing "not interested" and a tattoo that says "Take It Easy; Love Nothing" came off as giving up. She talked to me about how I have a right to feel like I do, but I shouldn't try to ever move on. She talked to me about things I could do to better myself.

The fact is, and not that I didn't appreciate the talk, but I had tried really hard to get better. Having a shitty relationship with an otherwise okay girl for a year didn't help my case at all. I put too much stock into Alex, and ran myself into the ground. I wonder how I'd be if I never met her. Not even just her, though, but I tried a lot different things to feel better. The only thing that works is to stay away from everyone. I haven't really talked to anyone since I stopped talking to Alex.

Cathie put it pretty well, and that was that I've become a hermit "just going to work and then home to sleep." I always wished I was a hermit, and there I go. I succeeded.

I have a beard, a tattoo, and I started smoking cigarettes. I'm a real badass now.

I'm holding to do the things I want with you. I'm trying to start it; a planet without an atmosphere. Tomorrow, I'll be on my way. I'll be on.

Fuck you, you stupid fucking piece of shit. You're never going to more than a mistake that I deluded myself into thinking was something I needed and wanted. I'm not feeling suicidal anymore, because I rather it be you who's dead; a piece of trash I didn't bother picking up off the floor after I missed the trash can.


I can feel the flies picking up the endless end of my skin; creatures that I wish weren't my death. Now and forever, I'll try to keep my eyes open for the serenity in my fucked up situation while not having any whim of a sense of control. Is it okay if I scream every once and a while? And if I hae a cigarette to calm my nerves, would that be okay, too? Because I need to feel the security that I've never been provided with, and I need to feel like I have some kind of understanding. 


It's a hard shell and I can't get through, and that's pretty much the way I like it; an unfortunate defense after having none for so long. You fucked me.

I feel very alone.

I feel like everyone has moved on, and left me. I became a speck in everyone's life. Half of it is from subconsciously pushing them away, and the other half is from refusing to change into a better person for people I cared about.  Evan, Emily, and I'm guessing Alex, too, have all met new people. They've all gone on in a way in which I never existed before.

I don't see myself ever moving on. It's just a pile up of people I cared about, and now I'm way too fucked up to maintain a healthy relationship with anyone. I have no friends. I can't even muster up one good thing to say to any of the people at Chik-Fil-A who recognize me. I've literally become "the guy who never smiles."

I thought I was okay with that, but the truth is that I'm just so alone.

It's been a while. I guess there hasn't really been much worth mentioning that's never been said before, and/or I just haven't felt like writing. I haven't really been on the computer a lot, either.

I'm still just being by myself I guess, and thinking about how I with things were. My new ones are wishing I never met Alex, and how I wish my manager was dead. Nothing really new I guess.

Work has been very busy with the holidays and all. I haven't had/won't have a day off for a while which sucks. Yesterday, I had to work alone for an hour which happened to be the hour everyone was getting off work and picking their shit up. It got hectic, and I barely was able to keep it together. In fact, if that rush didn't end when it did, I probably would've gone insane. I could feel eyes narrowly focusing on every little thing, going crazy.

I pulled through, though, and that was it.

I thought I saw Emily, because I saw the same car and a girl inside it that looked like her. I also saw a girl today that looked just like her when we started dating. It was sad for me. But I was able to just keep working, and force it out of my head.

I was in Alex's room, and while he was playing a game, I was just looking at people on his FB. I realized how boring it was, and how great it felt not to have a damn FB anymore. It honestly has made me feel that much better not being attached to it.

I'm just not doing very well a lot of the times.

Someday, if it's fine, I wish that I could sail. Nobody's river can keep me deep like the child in me. Every day and every hour, I'm ready to sail off and go to sleep.


Black stains that no one can see; people are too busy discovering an empty road wishing and looking at it. I'm going to sleep. It's perfect. Put it on yourself over the hole in me. I could try to step up from my troubles and say "There it goes."

Tonight, Alex and I went out and basically hung out. We went to Walmart, the gas station, and GameStop. I tend to invite whenever I'm going places, because we have fun and shit. But he has this knack of being the biggest fucking asshole and completely ruining the mood.

He brings up three or four year old drama, and shoves it in my face and talks shit about how I can't handle the truth. First of all, what the fuck is he even talking about? It has nothing to do with truth. It has everything to do with we're getting along and having fun, and then out of nowhere, he brings up stupid shit for no reason. He's just being an asshole, and I fucking told him about that. I told him "Hey, for the sake of us getting along, you need to shut the fuck up about that and stop being a dick."

It doesn't even matter. I am fucking done with him.

So there I go. Now, I literally have no one in my goddamned life. Fuck you.

I'm only a. I'm a pre-teen's candle waiting to despise the end. I'm a lease's end trying to see if I'll sale. Now, if I wait forever, I could take what could possibly...hopefully be saved.; even if I save a few measly dollars. I wish I had the urge to wait, and I wish I had the strength to keep myself composed. I wish I was what a saint could take from.

You're your own key with a sharp lock. If it's your time and if  you're kind, then stay with no end. Keep up with your mind. I don't think I know how to express your face to a blind guy, and I don't think it's bright enough to light my way anymore. Your stop is at the hole along the halls. It's where I think I left all the things I used to believe in; the hope I used to feel and the need to even try.

I was hit with the sudden remembrance that...I don't really know. That I'm not happy, that no one cares about anything, that I'm alone. It's not such a great thing to remember. I honestly don't mind living a lie, and in ignorance. But I guess I can't even have that.

I sat at lunch today just looking at the table. I usually look around, and at everyone around me. I someday hope maybe I'll come to know someone. But I looked at my table the whole time knowing that I'm always going to be like this, and that I should consider any day where I can smile about anything a total blessing.

I had/have become okay with being alone. Or I at least convinced myself pretty well that I'm okay with it.  I was pretty sure I didn't need anyone, but the fact is that I'm so lonely and so uncared about. And it hurts a lot especially to know that it's....just always going to be like that.

I'm on a roll; I'm letting it out on my own freeway. By this time tomorrow, I may shine and I'll probably call. Through this winter snow, they act as the chill in my cereal when I drunk too much milk. It carried an honor roll of a grade; it's out all for all the people I don't know. You don't know.

In my heart of rows, I can't even remember. We're on my plane trying to see if we can stay afloat, and I'm looking out trying to see if any clouds are around.  Soon, I'm sure, I'll be up like your mind after taking a hit from this strong shit. Someday, I'll be like the looking glass that has it all figured out.

I swear my broken circle can still contain this mess of a square. 



Well, look at that. I can write pretty nicely without being depressed.

I felt like writing a new post, but I don't really know what to talk about. It's my own private blog, so I guess who gives a shit? I suppose I'm allowed to just write in it if I want. I'd hope so.

I'm listening to M83's new album. It's fucking good as fuck. Finally, great music that doesn't remind me of Alex. Instead, it reminds me of Emily because we saw them open up for The Killers. So fucking sweet! Everything reminds me of someone. It doesn't even really matter. This album is pretty damn good; too good for me to care about what it reminds me of.

I had lunch with a girl who works at FYE in the mall. I'm surprised I never wrote about that. I guess, because it wasn't something I cared about or something I'm going to really pursue. I have become a very sad and lonely creature, and I openly live that way. It's totally better than pursuing it, and then being disappointed, though.

I was thinking about how I haven't written in a long time, and I guess it's because I'm only good at it when I'm depressed and I haven't really been depressed lately. I mean I'll get down sometimes, but never so depressed that I write something really good or even something at all. It sucks, because I'd like to write but I just don't produce anything very good without being depressed. But I have been doing a lot of painting. I did one last night for a little over three hours. I have another lined up that I'll do on my day off that I'm really excited to do.

It's pretty weird that I didn't know what to write about, and then all of this came flowing pretty quickly. I guess I shouldn't ever be scared to just write randomly rather than feel like I can only come here when I need to get something off my mind/chest. Jeez, I really shouldn't feel intimidated by writing in my own damn blog. Which is also a private blog.

Jesus Christ, Matt.