I wrote a lot this month. Most people probably wouldn't consider five posts in a month to be many, but it's been a busy couple of months for me mentally and emotionally. I think after I kind of "saw the truth," I can just lay back down and look at the ceiling so to speak.

I was talking to this friend a little, an artist whom I admire, and we really talked for just a little bit. It felt like it'd be a thing, but then she stopped replying. I swear I will never understand how or why people do that, just act like friends for a moment and then disappear. I suppose I can see why someone would do that, but not in this case.

I think right now I'm in between phases, in limbo. These are the best times for me. I'm mellow, and go day to day. It's a little bit of a blur, but I don't know really. I think my next phase is going to be a quiet one again. I tend to do that every now and again, and everyone at work bothers me about "What's wrong?" It's nice, though. I think I can tell because of how my mood's been lately, and the fact that I've been listening to a lot of post rock. Although, now, I'm listening to a Deathcab song on Alex's Tumblr. I'd thank her for playing something from their only good album, but who cares.

That was a very pretentious thing to say. That's something I'd have said in high school.

Nothing else has really been going on. Since the whole thing with Alex, I actually reached out to what I consider some real friends of mine. Andrew from Sears calls me most nights, and we just talk shit. It's cool, because I grew up actually talking on the phone before texting was a real thing and I forgot how much nicer that is. Then there's Chris who I went to college with. I don't get to see him anymore, but we talk online a lot.  On the 360, I talk to Tim and play games with him and some other guys. It's hard to believe, but I kind of have a social life. Weird.

I have noticed the last couple years, that the holidays are just not a good time for me. It's so cliche, but it's true. I get really depressed. But after that, I tend to feel better. I can see it happening now. December was a very crappy month. As much as it's bit me in the ass to have brought Alex back into my life, she did kind of raise my spirits for a bit there, so I'm thankful. And I shouldn't say it bit me in the ass. She didn't really do anything so much as my mind can't cope when it comes to her. In the end, I ended up running away again.

I can't say I feel differently about girls, though. I seriously lay in bed sometimes and realize the things that happen when I'm in a relationship. I become jaded. I have really bad trust issues. So, what's the point in dating? What's the point in rekindling friendships with people you don't feel comfortable with?

I admit I've become good at cutting the fat out of my life, and realizing when it needs to be done. My mom calls me a pessimist, but I see it as being realistic. 

I can only suppose this is it. It's a sixth sense. You don't have to be told when something is over. It is nice to be reminded when things have long been dead, though.

I can't converse with Alex anymore, or I can't figure out the right things to say. That was probably the warning sign that I even have to weigh the pro's and con's of what I'm going to say to a person. It goes to show when I can't keep up a conversation. I can't answer anything thoroughly, nor can I feel normal about reading her messages.

I feel so lame and annoying, and generally unliked sometimes. I know better, I really do, but I can't help how I react to these situations. And I really do mean unliked. I feel like like a second rate citizen, and worse yet, I feel like I have to initiate things.

That was the second warning sign. I've done well by keeping everyone at arms length. It's allowed me to have some sort of friendship with people, and it's kept me from becoming attached. With Alex, there's bound to be leftover and useless emotions, and she just doesn't fall under my new regime. I can't help but become attached in a way that doesn't allow to enjoy myself.

Honestly, I was doing well for a while there. But I think the pressure was on, and I had to become the perfect and specific friend she needed, the one that was there when she needed me and not around when it was inconvenient. It's hard to perform under those conditions, and not feel stepped on.

It really sucks. In fact, I came into this post feeling as if I didn't care. I felt like it was necessary and that I'd just move on like with everything else. But I feel sad.

So, you know, and I'm fairly certain I've written about this before, I was stricken today with a high dose of....I don't even know what to call it. But sometimes I just get this sudden burst of emotions that makes me feel extreme clarity. I feel it for a few seconds, maybe a few seconds more given my desire to hold onto it a little longer. 

The thing that I should mention is that it happened as I was driving to work, and I wanted to write about it so much on here that while at a red light, I wrote down a brief explanation of it in my phone so I could remember it for a later occasion.

When it happens, it's as if I realize something deep inside of me, but not just me. It's something universal. It feels like my feelings would and should extend to others, that it would benefit them to have my explosion of knowledge. 

It's different every time, and I've had them every so often through out the last few years of my life, but not as often as I'd enjoy. 

Anyhow, I was inflicted with knowing that the things that happen to us, in our lives, the deep and personal thoughts we gain every second, whether they are positive or negative, separate us from everyone. No matter how close you are to someone, they can never know you and you will always be alone. And I don't mean lonely and/or sad, just alone. 

You could be so similar to someone, be the most best friend someone could ask for, but there's always something to separate you. If you are look to be understood, I don't know if there's a way to really ever be so.

When I write about this, I feel so disappointed. It felt so certain about these feelings and so lucid about it, but I can't seem to grasp it again. Maybe what I said may make sense to someone else, but it seems more like rambling to me. It just sounds like I'm mentioning something obvious. Oh, well. 

 

Since I'm in bed and can't do anything, I figured I'd just write. That should add some much needed filler into my schedule of checking Twitter and Tumblr every five minutes. There really isn't much to write about, though. I do tend to have more to say when I'm in a lesser mood.

Being sick sucks, but I can't help but enjoy just laying in bed all day watching Netflix. It's got it's own merits. I've been watching Doctor Who pretty much all day. I remember when I had asked Alex about it a long time ago, but she didn't really say anything as if she rather I not watch it. That also reminds me when I tried to get into Tumblr for the first time and she was trying to talk me out of it. I guess she just didn't want me to like the things she likes. Well, I like these two things now, and the world seems to be intact.

Speaking of Alex, the feeling of being used has been nagging at me. Somehow, I don't think this is truly the case, but there is a history there that I shouldn't be expected to dismiss. I have tried messaging her simple things as a "I'm still here" kind of deal, but I should stop lest I become annoying.

Still, I can't help but feel like I'm being used as someone to talk to when things are bad like I'm a medicine that only needs to be taken at an appropriate time. I guess  always going to feel like I'm no Brian or I'm no Tom. It's extremely pathetic that I remember Tom.

I don't want to come off as saying she is a bad person, though. I use different people for different situations all the time. I guess I just always wanted someone where I didn't have to pretend or be pretended upon. I guess I'd like a special friendship with someone.

Either way, I'm more upset that I rented a game and I've been too sick to play it. I can't even return it tonight, so I guess I'll be paying a nice late fee. I'm pretty glad that my shift is being picked up tomorrow, though. Then I have Sunday and Monday off, so I can exclusively focus on feeling better. My timing is pretty good.

Since I'm writing on my phone, I can't post a song. Oh, well.

I've been feeling a little better lately. I think I finally got over that shitty depression spell. I wasn't doing too well for a while there. It's not as if anything has changed in my situation, so I can only account it to my unstable mind and emotions.

You'd think after a while, my unbalanced feelings would begin to untwine themselves. I suppose I will remain crude in this sense for a while longer. If it seems that I'm speaking of this situation as if it were not alterable, then that is because that's how I perceive my position. Who knows. Maybe that is just my lopsided emotions covering my senses.

Maybe all those times I told myself or someone else that I am just one of those people that was made to feel sad at all times is true. It certainly seems to have always been true and constant for me.

As for the more obvious situation in my life, I still do not fully understand my thoughts. I think, honestly, I like talking to Alex. It's nice. But I am so afraid of falling into a situation where I end up hurt again. This is not to say she would do so, because how would she? Or why? Yes, she has a want, perhaps even a need, to have me around. That does not mean she and I are on the same level about us.

I hate to admit to myself that I still have feelings for her. It's difficult to talk to someone like that in my situation. She told me she enjoys that I just talk to her normally. I candidly do not know how I pull it off. I have always had a quiet and calm candor, but it only masks the storm inside of me.

It's clear that I am fine for the most part when thinking of her as faceless, just an online friend whom I speak with every so often. But when a picture of her pops up, it is a punch in the chest. It's a reminder of....actually let's just not even mention it. In plain words, it just sucks.

I do remain wary in my "quest" to stick around. I am so weak in this regard, and I hope to toughen up. Maybe I will become used to her face again.

I like to follow r/relationships on Reddit. There's always something to learn from other peoples problems whether it be a couple or just someone's own relationship with themselves. I came across a person who had really been having a hard go at it, and mentioned suicide in passing. It didn't come across as any sort of act of self importance. It was just a thing that was referred to.

The top comment was someone urging this person to have a visit to r/suicidewatch.

Let's be sincere. I have a history, not with suicidal tendencies, but suicidal thoughts. Sometimes, I get to that point where I just think about nothing but finding some sort of extreme measure of release, and my vision becomes blackened. I think, given my nature, that it'd be unquestionable that I should pay a visit to r/suicidewatch, as well as, if to not look for help, to at least entertain my diseased sense of curiosity.

What I got out of this inspection was that these were not people looking for help. They were letting everyone read their suicide notes. They just wanted everyone to have their eyes on them. They were attention seekers. The real conclusion that I came to was that I am alone in this regard. There really is no one out there for me to learn from in this subject, and I don't mean to come off as "I'm alone, no one cares" as I usually do.

If there was any knowledge for me to have gained, it was that I am glad I do not revel in narcissism. I have always kept it to myself as it makes you look extremely weak. The only people who ever knew about this part of me were people that I only ever considered people who did care.

This is probably why there won't really be a cure for something like this other than taking medicine that numbs you out. People like me either keep it to themselves, or they end up dead.

I am not feeling suicidal, though. I only started to really think about it, because of the post I had read and where it lead me.




There is also another thing I should write about, and that is that it does not seem like my conversations with Alex have come to a full stop. I'm sure if I never said anything in the first place, a full stop would not have ceased to stay permanent.

I do not feel ill toward talking with her some, but this fact is due to thinking very minimally about the whole situation. I wish to just let it take its course, and take it easy. I'm sure if I really did think about it, I would, no doubt, find some reason to disappear again.

Alex must find it offensive that I have to put her outside my head to bear her, but she seems to want to keep me in her circle for some cause and maybe if I stop running, I may find some peace from the past.