Today was a shitty day. Work has been getting more tiring for the last few weeks. I've thought my boss was grooming me to take over for his assistance position or whatever, but he's only been holding a carrot in front of me and using me because I'm the only one who does work. I've been taking on a lot of responsibility and pushing myself way too hard for a fucking minimum wage job. It's gotten to the point where I'm just angry all the time, and fighting against a wave.

I've accepted that I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life. In fact, I accepted it a long time ago, but I've been getting lonely a lot lately. I just want to connect to someone again, and the only thing that's keeping me from doing so is remembering the pain of being close to someone. The pain is just not worth it. This phase will pass like everything else does.

I'm just going through a rough patch right now, and I never have anyone to talk to about it. It's kind of hard to believe after two years, I still use this blog as a coping mechanism.

It's not really true that I have no one to talk to about it, because I've gained a lot of friends, and some old and very good friends are back around. But I don't like talking to them about these thing, because I just don't want to end up finding out they couldn't care less. Or I don't want them to understand and give me a disappointing answer making me feel like nothing's good enough.

My student loans have been stressing me out a lot more lately. I'm going to be stuck with them forever. I think I've given up looking for a better job, because everything is so shit in general and I've always felt like there was no point to anything. These last couple of years have literally been me going to day to day which is really not so bad honestly, but I guess I'm just still waiting for that next big moment in my life to happen.

I was thinking about if my brother Alex died, I wouldn't be upset.

When I was asleep, I lived in a world where I was wrapped in a coil, a snake who treated me like its queen. I could not step outside my cage that was decorated like a pink cake. My vision was turned, and my mind was left me. My lips rotated upwards, and the strain lifted from my chest; I was happy.

I opened the door to my cage to let the wind in, and I let the wind carry me like a backpack on the excitement of the first day back to school. I let my vision come back to me to watch the leaves revolve itself around my door, and if it was like the demon of the forest were suddenly watching out for me, then I did not mind. I let myself forget.

I forgot how dangerous it is to let others in.

I save my lies for you, because all I'll find are like the sky. But how would you find out if I'm trying to hide. I don't make sense, and only a washed out dream could surrender me. I'm a pretender that keeps changing, because when I lose, I don't want to be who you remember me as.

A fine ass motherfucker with a line of hopeful friends that I erased; I had a pleasant surprise when I heard a desperate ways call. When I came to, I was offered a nice meal but it was a mistake. I lied for you, so that we could take a break that I didn't want. I woke up, but you were no soul. Now's a good time to remember all those bad times. 

Amends are not my style, and if we kissed, you'd feel a damp spot where I used to be wet for you. I used to be a soft and young man, and when I thought of you, I knew you were thinking of me, too. Why am I still around when our smiles are fake? Because I made a battery to help with the ways that could be any way, but it didn't take. I don't want to crutch myself into the arms of help just to find things have changed. 

I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know what I'm feeling. I'm not depressed or anything, nor am I full of hate or anger. I know those feelings, and I know how to deal with them. But I don't know what's going on with me lately.

I'm bored all the time. I've been reaching out to people I don't talk to much or haven't talked to in a long time, and getting them to hang out. I'm always looking for something interesting to do at work. I'm just trying to stay busy I think, and keep my mind occupied. I mean those are normal, but then I reopened my Facebook? What am I doing?

I'm so bored, and I just want to do anything.

Shoe was dating this girl a bit last year, but they decided to be friends. I think maybe he noticed I was really down last week, and now he's introduced her to me or something. He knew I had a slight crush on her. It was mostly a joke, but I mean...she is kind of cool honestly. I was talking to her on Facebook, but I don't know what I'm doing. I'm so stupid and weird when I talk to people.

I don't know. Maybe it's just a weird phase and it'll end shortly. I'm not sure if I want it to. I don't know if I really have anything against this. It kind of hurts, but a lot less than most things and it really only hurts when I start to sit idle. That's why I'm trying to stay busy.

Clearly, I'm trying to protect myself from having to deal with something painful. Not sure what it is really. I dated this girl for a couple weeks. We were starting to get serious, and then she broke it off on Valentines Day. Honestly, I couldn't care less that it was that day, especially since it's so clitche, but you know. It's like I try to do something with myself finally, and as soon as I do, I get fucked.

It didn't really affect me, though. I was bummed for a little bit, but really, I'm over it. So I don't know why my minds trying to stay busy. Maybe everything in general has finally just caught up with me, and if I stop to think about it, I'll snap. I really do kind of feel like I could snap.

Anyways. My Facebook is back up. I seriously get a bad taste in my mouth from looking at it. I deleted almost everything, though. All the messages with Alex and Emily. All of my pictures, and most of the people on my friends list. I guess I could start again with it, but I mean, I don't even know anyone. I got a handful of friends and none of them use it.

Whatever, though. I'll get over it.

I've got this bad habit of shrugging off people when they try to help, because I don't have it in me to trust that they really care. And then I have another habit of coming off as an asshole when I try to show that I care.

This should probably be the definition of emotional suffering.

Well, I guess it's that time again. I poked my head out of my hole trying to find something or someone. I know every now and again, I'll feel safe and want to have a look around outside my own little world, and I guess it's healthy to do so as a firm reminder that it's not safe.

I feel lonely, and I feel really depressed about it. Whatever I say about feeling like being on my own is the best option, I really would just like someone around. Maybe deep down I'm just sad that I don't really have an option.

I tried to go into my little hole and shut everything out, but I couldn't this time. It's really a process. Everything does and will hurt for a while, and then it'll all quiet back down. I'll quiet down, and remember my place.

The problem is that I feel unwanted. I go looking for someone to like me. Finding no one is one thing, but having your hopes up is a whole other beast. It's a slow and agonizing pain. I had a hard time falling asleep last night. I read these things as I write and they come off as far fetched, so what does it mean that it's all true?

You know, and maybe this will sound corny or lame, but a lot of people say nothing matters when they get down. But maybe, really, it's just me that doesn't matter.

I wrote a lot this month. Most people probably wouldn't consider five posts in a month to be many, but it's been a busy couple of months for me mentally and emotionally. I think after I kind of "saw the truth," I can just lay back down and look at the ceiling so to speak.

I was talking to this friend a little, an artist whom I admire, and we really talked for just a little bit. It felt like it'd be a thing, but then she stopped replying. I swear I will never understand how or why people do that, just act like friends for a moment and then disappear. I suppose I can see why someone would do that, but not in this case.

I think right now I'm in between phases, in limbo. These are the best times for me. I'm mellow, and go day to day. It's a little bit of a blur, but I don't know really. I think my next phase is going to be a quiet one again. I tend to do that every now and again, and everyone at work bothers me about "What's wrong?" It's nice, though. I think I can tell because of how my mood's been lately, and the fact that I've been listening to a lot of post rock. Although, now, I'm listening to a Deathcab song on Alex's Tumblr. I'd thank her for playing something from their only good album, but who cares.

That was a very pretentious thing to say. That's something I'd have said in high school.

Nothing else has really been going on. Since the whole thing with Alex, I actually reached out to what I consider some real friends of mine. Andrew from Sears calls me most nights, and we just talk shit. It's cool, because I grew up actually talking on the phone before texting was a real thing and I forgot how much nicer that is. Then there's Chris who I went to college with. I don't get to see him anymore, but we talk online a lot.  On the 360, I talk to Tim and play games with him and some other guys. It's hard to believe, but I kind of have a social life. Weird.

I have noticed the last couple years, that the holidays are just not a good time for me. It's so cliche, but it's true. I get really depressed. But after that, I tend to feel better. I can see it happening now. December was a very crappy month. As much as it's bit me in the ass to have brought Alex back into my life, she did kind of raise my spirits for a bit there, so I'm thankful. And I shouldn't say it bit me in the ass. She didn't really do anything so much as my mind can't cope when it comes to her. In the end, I ended up running away again.

I can't say I feel differently about girls, though. I seriously lay in bed sometimes and realize the things that happen when I'm in a relationship. I become jaded. I have really bad trust issues. So, what's the point in dating? What's the point in rekindling friendships with people you don't feel comfortable with?

I admit I've become good at cutting the fat out of my life, and realizing when it needs to be done. My mom calls me a pessimist, but I see it as being realistic.