I'm a space ship for the taking if it's only you that's thinking of the six feet deep race way. It is perilous that we open our carriers scent back into the spooky center as we've become the space that I've always wanted. I can remember our hair on the patio sun steps when we walked into our lives. 


I've reached the poles heart beat of a car that I saved to my desktop for when I'm lonely. Look to me, I've always wanted to be that which has made it clear my hairiness sand back paper you gave me is to miss. But I've been playing with myself in a chair, so you know...yeah, I am a man whose head is in the air.


I'm a city that's run away, and the answers to open the things you love are what has treated you as being in the middle. Wouldn't you know I could live without you? If I hurry to MySpace, I can let the world know that I've denounced the annoying bathroom blisters have gone away. And if I go crazy, I can show you what's to know for being a head full of natural love that's wasted on the wrong person every two to five minutes.


If you think I can hide away from the motion of drinking only the want to have had a hand to hold you, then have fun wasting away on your holiday.

Update.

I've gone back to normal; normal as in what I would be like without the distraction of a relationship or trying to find one, etc. It doesn't mean I'm any more happy, but it doesn't mean I'm really ever sad. I have become very content to the point where I shove out new ideas in trying to make sure there are no new factors in my life to try and alter my, not really new at this point, place in the world.

Alex has literally become a thing of the past. I don't think of her at all anymore, and I only do so now to write down the fact. I think if I really had to think about it, she's become a haunting; something (someone) that is not safe to be around, and the very idea of it (her) should not be approached. I hate her, and that is all I will say on the subject.

Of course, I think about Emily and Evan, but they've become more like a memory based on taking so much of my life to the point that I can't really not ever think of them sometimes. The difference, really, is that it doesn't hurt to think about them. It kind of bums me out, but I recognize that they've become a band aid in which the pain comes in one burst and then disappears, therefore giving me no reason to really dread about it.

Andrew and I are very good friends. In fact, I'd go as far as to say he has become the best friend I've had in a very long time. I don't have to try with him or pretend. We don't stutter for things to talk about; we just talk. He calls sometimes, which is funny because it reminds me when it was the norm back in the day for friends to call for no reason and just talk. We can tell each other things; we have each others back. I believe if one of us was to ever leave Sears, we would still maintain our friendship in another way. It's nice to have this friend.

Life in general is not so bad anymore, but for the wrong reasons. I am not so naive as to not see that, yes, I have shut myself off to the world. I really have become a shell, but I'm not complaining. I have things that do make me very happy and things that I look forward to and enjoy doing. They might not be....wondrous things, but they do the job. 

Today, I realized how much I've changed in the last half year. I've become cold, aggressive, uncaring.

The guys at work like to "fight" and mess around, and I've become quick to throw my arms up. They've all become surprised, because I'm a slow worker; generally slow due to being chilled out, but when I fight I'm the fastest guy there. It's surprising, because of my size.

I got punched in the face a couple days ago, and I enjoyed it. I realized a punch isn't something to be afraid of. I was also able to retaliate quickly, and in a more ruthless way so to speak. The punch was an accident, but I was quick to show off the fact that I won't take anything like that.

I was with a girl kind of for the last month where really, we just fucked a lot. She started falling for me and I found someone better and closer to me, so I had to let the other girl go. I'm not trying to fall in love. I've officially hit player status at work, because this isn't the first or second time I've done something like this. I had seen three girls in one week earlier this year.

One guy at work said he didn't recognize me anymore; I'm not gentle like I used to be I guess. He was making a joke, but it hit me that I have changed. Is it for the better or worse? Maybe I'm not a better person, but it doesn't hurt to be like this. I never have to worry about being hurt again, and after the last two years of what I had gone through trying to be with people, I'd say it's for the better. 

It just kind of bewilders me that I could change myself into this kind of person. I never thought I could be aggressive. I never thought I could cuss someone out and tell him to fuck off when he becomes a cocky little shit. I was always the quiet one taking all the blows, and not caring about myself.

I don't know if I care about myself now, though. I guess I do in a way. I stand up for myself, and let people see that I'm strong. I show off. I put other people down instead of myself, and I like it. I like hurting people. A friend told me I'd obviously been hurt in the past, and it's like I'm getting revenge on other people for it.

I wouldn't say I'm getting revenge, rather I just don't care how I make you feel.

I've known this for a while, but it's seemed to have become a bigger force in my life and has made me feel really confused. I have some bad commitment issues. I get bored, and start sabotaging everything. And the weirdest thing is that it feels so right. It would feel wrong to not do those things.

Of course I know where it comes from and why I developed them, because it's not so much as commitment issues as it is a mental block that I created to protect myself. I've been talking to a girl for a month, we fucked a lot, and now I feel like I've gotten what I want. That's when the want and need to be alone comes into place. I barely talk to her anymore, and when I do I'm questioning everything she does.

At the same time, I'm talking to a new girl. Girls have become like video games for me; I get bored after a week or some, and want a new one. Even before the girl I've been talking to for a month, I had been on a pretty big amount of dates with some other girls and fooled around with some.

I feel like I'm making up for something. Really, though, I just got fucked real hard and now everything's backward for me. I used to just want to be in love and do everything with them. Now, all I even can do is fuck girls with no emotions involved and move on.

Maybe it's just because I'm 23, and I'll naturally move on to more mature things. Hopefully.

Well, you know if it isn't possible for you to be me, then at least up above, there's a place where there's nothing to see; just another dream. It's where you can get what you want if you can't get me; an imaginary sun to keep you warm to feel like you're next to me. 


In this world of holes, looking out at another day, it's like the millionth time of asking if anyone's seen this missing person. But up in the point of the end of the day, I can close my eyes and enter our old corner where we shared ourselves. It's nice to pretend that the pain is gone, because when I lay down to sleep, I see you next to me.

I was thinking about when Shoe talked to me the other week. He told me Emily, after never talking to him after she broke up with me, had randomly came up to him and asked how I was. I was feeling a little rough about it for a day or two, but Shoe talked to me about it.

In that, I mentioned how I don't know why she'd care and such. Apparently, she still has my phone number. Shoe told me we dated for four years, so of course she's going to remember me and think of me a lot. He said that when you feel sad about missing someone, then they feel the same way sometimes when you were with them seriously and for a long time.

I can only guess from that, that being in love with a new guy, that she's able to think about me in a healthy way. At least, for myself, I realize if she, for some reason, wanted to get back together, I know it wouldn't work. I'm too different than how I used to be.

In a chain reaction, I had thought about Evan a lot this past week. I dreamed about him last night. I had read somewhere once, that when you dream about someone, it means that they miss you. I can't remember where I read it, but I should look into that scientifically, because it's obviously a superstition or something.

Either way, I guess we had known each other our whole lives, and it would be logical that he misses me. But then I think about how I had messaged him on FB last summer, and he never replied. I don't really know what to make of him, except the fact that I know he's being transferred and we'll never talk again. At least I can say I tried to talk to him, and I'll never have to think about how I could have changed things, even though, I could obviously try more and harder.

But I can't.

Anyways, I guess it's healthier of me to realize these people miss me and I think that's all I really wanted to know; that I made an impact.

I was thinking about how I wish I could go back to how things were this past summer when I just got a new job, I kept quiet and to myself, and sat on a bench and read during my lunch. Things were quiet and simple, and I don't know why no matter how bad a situation was, I end up romanticizing everything. The fact is that I was miserable.

I guess after time has passed, you kind of forget the little things like how you were feeling exactly and you just remember the general idea of what life was like. I guess I rather remember it like that than remember it as dealing with a break up and being depressed. The funny thing, which isn't so funny, is that I'm still dealing with those things, but the feeling's duller.

These days, I have friends at work, girls to go on dates with, and it all feels so empty. None of it is doing anything for me long term wise. At work, I'm generally fine, but then I get home and I sit around waiting for something. I have lots of distractions and they help, but I just want what I had when I was dating Emily; a fullness.