I've disappointed my mom by having no will to further my career, and being constantly ungrateful. I've hurt my brothers by being insensitive. I cheated on my ex's by being emotionally unavailable, and shrugged off how they felt. I severed my ties with my dad, and have no relationship with my sister. I threw away all of my friends, and ruined an 18 year friendship with Evan.

I have an imaginary female friend based on a mix of Emily, Alex, and what I imagine the perfect girlfriend would be for me. I've been talking to her since I moved to Atlanta as a way to cope with the loneliness. When Emily, broke up with me, my relationship with my imaginary friend became that much more important. She kept me from going completely insane at times. When I met and started dating Alex, she became a cute way to express my complete desire to be with Alex in person. As our relationship began to fall apart, my imaginary friend became more important and really took on a real life of her own. It is now at the point where I would be completely depressed if I forced her out of my life, and it is even hindering my ability to ever be happy with a real person. Just knowing that depresses me, because it says that I've got to start moving on. Just saying that, I can see her looking at me sadfully as if to say "I have to go?" And it almost brings tears to my eyes.

I told her she doesn't have to go anywhere.

I saw a thread on the 64ums called "Feeling like you want to die." It was a neat thread where everyone talked seriously about feeling like that, and how they deal with it. While, I haven't been signed into the place in half a year, I still remember everyone and enjoyed seeing how they handle it. I liked seeing that I really am not alone in feeling that. It's a completely human thing, and everyone deals it; even people you think are probably never sad.

It made me think about how I've taken the initiative to find my own happiness, and to be okay alone. What I've found out is that the things I do, like enjoying video games, web comics, etc., are all survival mechanisms. They're a way for me to cope with everything.

The problem with that is that it makes me feel like I'm only ever going to be coping with everything when I could really learn to be happier. I've read and heard so many things about people being so much better off on anti-depressants, and it really makes me want to try them one day. I'm sure I will eventually. Maybe I could be happier, because I kind of feel like we're not meant to be happy. We just live, and then we die. I think that I'm more scared of that than actually dying.

Tonight, after work, I drove and I was in a really relaxed and calm mood. That mood that I always wish I was in. I was listening to The Dear Hunter. I really like them, and it sucked because I can't listen to them without thinking about Alex. Luckily, it didn't put a damper on my mood too much, and I was able to stay in a relatively nice frame of mind.

Today at work was pretty good. I laughed a lot, and worked really hard. I got all of my work done, and won't have to finish it tomorrow. That's pretty sweet. I was kind of proud of myself.

I've been in a drawing mood a lot lately. In fact, I'm going to draw after writing this. I've been wanting to do cartoons again. It sucks that I'm not that good at it, but I enjoy doing it.

I started missing Alex a little today. I'm sure it's just a thing for today. I probably will feel better tomorrow. I wanted to look at her Tumblr, and see what's she's been doing. I don't like looking, but I just wanted to get it out of my system. On her FB, she's not friends with Tom anymore. It still says he's liked her pictures, except you can't see his name. So he probably deleted his FB. Why couldn't he do that while I was still on FB?

Anyways, that's really it. Not a lot really goes on; just trying to be content.

What I did today:

1. Watched The Walking Dead, Dexter, Red vs Blue, Mega64nimation.
2. Ate Taco Bell.
3. Saw Paranormal Activity 3 with Ashley and Pete.
4. Went to the midnight release of Battlefield 3 with Chris and Alex.

And now I'm sitting here with Kalisto, listening to MC Frontalot, and installing BF3.

Good day.

Even if we let our washed up feet know that we're always watching, we can climb back into the sea; an underground ship and a baby that can't help but lie. She was alright, but with all the other guys, she blows away. 

I can say hi when I want to, and I can listen when I'm done pretending to care. At the bottom of my well with my volcano of a soul, an independent thought that no one believes, I'd like to try to move from my dusted spot; a mantle in my bedroom. She was nice, but when I tried to speak, she broke away. 

There's a persons grasp that's always trying to hold on to an old feeling. There's an airport runway with a car on it. I'm a great pioneer with no work left to do, and a doorway with no patience.

I'm thinking about how much I've changed. I can see I'm a darker person in different sense than I can be. A real nothingness has taken root inside of me. It's not my darkness or any other kind of darkness, but a real feeling of uncaring for anything or anyone. I'm not like how I'd hate everyone, but I just don't see them. I think my utter desire to feel this way has finally happened.

I got rid of Alex, and I feel that much better without her in my life. A girl at work who claimed she was put in my life to help me see "Jesus' light" (like so many others have said), who used to be someone I liked talking to, has become no one to me in a matter of a day. I don't talk to most of my co-workers, and when I have to, I can feel this coldness in myself like "How dare they feel like they can come to me."

I'm not a very nice person. I'm still nice in the sense that it's not like I'm without my manners or anything.

What's helped me to feel this way is to have a keen remembrance of what it's like to be in a relationship. All there is is drama, and it makes everything complicated. I wouldn't be able to enjoy my lunch at work, because I'd be too busy feeling upset about something.

Another thing I keep in my memory is the way it feels to keep seeing some I loved. I don't bother looking at Alex's FB or Tumblr, because it hurts every time I see her face. There are other things that this example falls under; like any of the cute girls at work. I try not to see them as girls I could myself with, but as having something I wouldn't be able to stand.

I would not be able to stand the company of another person.

This is why it's an easy decision to stop looking for a relationship. Or why it's easy to kick Alex out of my life. The thing about all of this is that I tend to feel very dull from day to day. I don't feel depressed nearly as much, or particularly happy. I do still get excited about my shows and video games. They're the high light of my life, and I've come to really enjoy that. Having something like that that will never let me down like a person can do.

I'd like to be able to find a website where I can post things I write so that others can read it.

Today started very nicely. I was getting along with everyone. I was having fun, the truckload was a bare minimum which meant an easy work day.

But then everyone started picking on me again. It was like a barrage of attacks from everywhere for a good while. Not too long afterwards, my supervisor told me to go home, because he didn't need me anymore. That bummed me out more, because he made it feel personal. I also needed the hours. I was able to at least stay a little more longer.

Even still, it all pushed me down a dark hole today. I didn't talk to anyone for the rest of the day and kept to myself. It got me thinking of my darkness again. There's nothing really new to say about it. I mean it's the same as always I guess. I get picked on, and feel alone and like no one cares about me.

I saw on Alex's Tumblr she was having a bad day, too. I thought about how I was glad I was able to stop caring about things like that, and learn that it's just her PMDD. It was a horrible waste of my time trying to care, and be there for her. I have to admit, though, that I really enjoy reading about when she's doing bad. It makes me feel good.

I guess I just want her and everyone else to feel shitty. I get off on it like a sick freak. I don't mind it so much.

I wonder how long it'll be before I stop even reading her Tumblr. I still look at Emily's FB. I guess I'll never really stop.

I feel like I had more to say on here, but I can't really remember. I guess those are the only two things going on lately. I work, and stalk Alex's Tumblr. But I'll have my shows on Monday, and then midnight release of Battlefield 3 that night. So, I'll be feeling better soon enough.