I kind of feel like I'm in the back seat of things. You know when you're in a car with some friends, and the other two are up front talking and it's hard to really have any attention given your way because you're in the back. Maybe they'll look back and ask if I'm alright, but then they go back to their own thing and leave you alone. And I really do feel alone. I feel like the guy everyone comes to with their problems.

It's been a while since anyone asked how I've been. I guess I've become unapproachable by acting like everything's okay. In a way, everything is okay I suppose. But I'm tired of being alone, and I want someone to talk to or someone that cares about how I've been. Yeah, I got my friends but they're just friends. I miss connecting on a deeper level.

Some stupid girl keeps whining to me about her ex messing with her, and I mean, I'm not going to just say whatever. I like to help others feel better, but it makes me feel worse when they do and then just go on about their day. It's like, you know...that's all I'm good to talk about?

Yeah, people are selfish and I did the whole selfish thing for a while. But lately, I'm back to my old self and I'm tired of hating everything. I guess the price for doing so is remembering the pain in everything. I just want to be important to someone.

I found out Alex has an STD and something else. She got a biopsy, and I became really worried. I realized I'd go mental if she were to not exist anymore. But I think everything will be fine.

Last night, I went to a pageant for Warner Robins Most Outstanding Teen. My sister invited me. I was glad to go, but I didn't realize it was going to be four hours long. Thank goodness for smart phones.

For a while now, I've really been wanting to have a relationship with my sister. I thought about asking if she wanted to go get lunch together before school starts back up for her, but I was too nervous. I don't like the idea of being too nervous about things like that, but she at least seems like we're still close. She does this thing where she lightly punches my stomach when she walks by.

I don't know if it's all weird. I guess it kind of is. I never really had a relationship with Jason and especially Alex, but I've made sure to be in Lennon's life majorly and I guess I've always wanted a sister, too.

I want to be closer with my dad, too. The trouble is that I don't forgive my stepmom for being a horrible person. I can't really say if she's better now, but from what Alex used to tell me a couple years ago, it doesn't sound like she's any nicer. To be in my dad and sisters life, I have to let her, too. So really....I guess I'll see what happens, but I'm guessing nothing will.

Today was a shitty day. Work has been getting more tiring for the last few weeks. I've thought my boss was grooming me to take over for his assistance position or whatever, but he's only been holding a carrot in front of me and using me because I'm the only one who does work. I've been taking on a lot of responsibility and pushing myself way too hard for a fucking minimum wage job. It's gotten to the point where I'm just angry all the time, and fighting against a wave.

I've accepted that I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life. In fact, I accepted it a long time ago, but I've been getting lonely a lot lately. I just want to connect to someone again, and the only thing that's keeping me from doing so is remembering the pain of being close to someone. The pain is just not worth it. This phase will pass like everything else does.

I'm just going through a rough patch right now, and I never have anyone to talk to about it. It's kind of hard to believe after two years, I still use this blog as a coping mechanism.

It's not really true that I have no one to talk to about it, because I've gained a lot of friends, and some old and very good friends are back around. But I don't like talking to them about these thing, because I just don't want to end up finding out they couldn't care less. Or I don't want them to understand and give me a disappointing answer making me feel like nothing's good enough.

My student loans have been stressing me out a lot more lately. I'm going to be stuck with them forever. I think I've given up looking for a better job, because everything is so shit in general and I've always felt like there was no point to anything. These last couple of years have literally been me going to day to day which is really not so bad honestly, but I guess I'm just still waiting for that next big moment in my life to happen.

I was thinking about if my brother Alex died, I wouldn't be upset.

When I was asleep, I lived in a world where I was wrapped in a coil, a snake who treated me like its queen. I could not step outside my cage that was decorated like a pink cake. My vision was turned, and my mind was left me. My lips rotated upwards, and the strain lifted from my chest; I was happy.

I opened the door to my cage to let the wind in, and I let the wind carry me like a backpack on the excitement of the first day back to school. I let my vision come back to me to watch the leaves revolve itself around my door, and if it was like the demon of the forest were suddenly watching out for me, then I did not mind. I let myself forget.

I forgot how dangerous it is to let others in.

I save my lies for you, because all I'll find are like the sky. But how would you find out if I'm trying to hide. I don't make sense, and only a washed out dream could surrender me. I'm a pretender that keeps changing, because when I lose, I don't want to be who you remember me as.

A fine ass motherfucker with a line of hopeful friends that I erased; I had a pleasant surprise when I heard a desperate ways call. When I came to, I was offered a nice meal but it was a mistake. I lied for you, so that we could take a break that I didn't want. I woke up, but you were no soul. Now's a good time to remember all those bad times. 

Amends are not my style, and if we kissed, you'd feel a damp spot where I used to be wet for you. I used to be a soft and young man, and when I thought of you, I knew you were thinking of me, too. Why am I still around when our smiles are fake? Because I made a battery to help with the ways that could be any way, but it didn't take. I don't want to crutch myself into the arms of help just to find things have changed. 

I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know what I'm feeling. I'm not depressed or anything, nor am I full of hate or anger. I know those feelings, and I know how to deal with them. But I don't know what's going on with me lately.

I'm bored all the time. I've been reaching out to people I don't talk to much or haven't talked to in a long time, and getting them to hang out. I'm always looking for something interesting to do at work. I'm just trying to stay busy I think, and keep my mind occupied. I mean those are normal, but then I reopened my Facebook? What am I doing?

I'm so bored, and I just want to do anything.

Shoe was dating this girl a bit last year, but they decided to be friends. I think maybe he noticed I was really down last week, and now he's introduced her to me or something. He knew I had a slight crush on her. It was mostly a joke, but I mean...she is kind of cool honestly. I was talking to her on Facebook, but I don't know what I'm doing. I'm so stupid and weird when I talk to people.

I don't know. Maybe it's just a weird phase and it'll end shortly. I'm not sure if I want it to. I don't know if I really have anything against this. It kind of hurts, but a lot less than most things and it really only hurts when I start to sit idle. That's why I'm trying to stay busy.

Clearly, I'm trying to protect myself from having to deal with something painful. Not sure what it is really. I dated this girl for a couple weeks. We were starting to get serious, and then she broke it off on Valentines Day. Honestly, I couldn't care less that it was that day, especially since it's so clitche, but you know. It's like I try to do something with myself finally, and as soon as I do, I get fucked.

It didn't really affect me, though. I was bummed for a little bit, but really, I'm over it. So I don't know why my minds trying to stay busy. Maybe everything in general has finally just caught up with me, and if I stop to think about it, I'll snap. I really do kind of feel like I could snap.

Anyways. My Facebook is back up. I seriously get a bad taste in my mouth from looking at it. I deleted almost everything, though. All the messages with Alex and Emily. All of my pictures, and most of the people on my friends list. I guess I could start again with it, but I mean, I don't even know anyone. I got a handful of friends and none of them use it.

Whatever, though. I'll get over it.

I've got this bad habit of shrugging off people when they try to help, because I don't have it in me to trust that they really care. And then I have another habit of coming off as an asshole when I try to show that I care.

This should probably be the definition of emotional suffering.