I'm just sitting here and I was looking at a picture of Emily, and all I want to do is cry. I really try to act like everything's fine, and that I've moved on, but I feel so alone and that I'm never going to be happy.

I was thinking of her earlier, because of Christmas. She has this picture of her with her boyfriend in front of a Christmas tree from last year, and now she's going to be in town soon for the break and I just think about them taking a new picture this year. I think about how she must be happy, and how I've been left behind by everyone.

It really hurts when you realize that you're always going to be alone, and that it's always going to hurt. There's no one around that I really like and I want to like them and make friends, but I'm so hardened by years of depression and being lonely that I don't even know where to begin. I would never be able to trust anyone enough to open myself up.

I think about that, and I think about how Emily has someone new who's probably much better than I am.

I was reading through the posts from December of last year, and they are all literally the same as this. Will I ever move on?

Well, there you go. It was a waste of time trying to talk to Alex, and it's a good thing I asked the right questions before I really did some damage.

She didn't care about talking to me. She just wants to "creep," because that's what she does. She just wanted to apologize, because it'd make her feel better. No one does anything for the good of others, especially someone who's manipulative like her. Someone like that is only out for self gratification.

It certainly had no positive effects on me.

Either way, it was fun, I guess. I'm going to go back to my slow and pointless day to day, and

Today, I was going to try and put this whole Alex thing out of my head. I didn't want to get involved, and potentially hurt. But you know me; I'm very weak. I eventually said "fuck it," and asked why. What's changed? Wasn't she with someone or something? Who cares about me.

Apparently, nothing's changed. She still likes "creeping" on people, and what's more interesting to someone like that than some loser on the internet spilling everything out as a means to cope? Maybe, that's a little harsh. I mean....I think I meant more than that at one point or another.

Either way, she replied and somehow, I didn't expect it. But that's natural for me to think the worst. But then again, why would it be the worst to me for her to not reply? Because I am so emotionally unhealthy that I don't know the difference between love and hate, or a smile and a frown. I have no idea what I want from people to be honest.

I have no idea what to say to her. The only reason I really said anything before was out of curiosity. Now, it's like....to say something, I would be wanting something. Do I want to talk to her? Yeah, in a way. She was, at one point, everything to me in the most literal sense. But I also don't want to talk to her. What would she be to me? I don't think I could ever be simple friends with someone that I had intense feelings for. That's why I stopped talking to her in the first place. It feels like a long time ago, but it really wasn't.

This is all so....weird. What am I even doing? Every time I write on here it's about "Oh, I'm so fucking poor and lame. Oh, Alex hurt me." And now I'm sitting here going "Oh, what should I say?" I'm such a fucking loser. All I wanted to do was forget about her, and now I have her Tumblr information where I will undoubtedly not be able to control myself and look at it from time to time.


Aside from the self hate, I pretty much thought about Alex all day at work today. It was pretty degrading. I told Shoe about it, and he told me I should try and talk to her. He really doesn't know me, though. He still knows me as the fun guy that's making people laugh, or something; I don't know. If he really knew me, he'd know that talking to Alex would ultimately only be a short term fix. I would not gain any long term peace from it. I think I'm just better off writing things out on some blog in a secluded corner of the internet. But it apparently isn't secluded since Alex is reading this. Lovely.




Anyways, I like the idea of posting what song I'm listening to while I write, so here's the song of the night.

I don't think I'll be able to sleep much tonight. So, I got the same song on repeat and I'm just going to keep writing.


"And here....we go."

So, guess what. My cat got surgery yesterday, and the poor thing is hiding under my bed. She won't eat, so I need to call the vet tomorrow. I'm sure they will provide a remedy for this. She's always trying to drink the milk when I'm eating cereal, so I thought that'd help, but it didn't. I'll need a professionals help.

My older brother is a graffiti artist, and he likes to text me his work and get some advice. He sent me a piece that he was clearly proud of, but I wasn't feeling it and I tried to give him some good feedback for it. I think he got offended, and it hurt. I really hate upsetting him, because he's had a very hard life. I'm glad he's found someone and living with them in his favorite place, New York.

I used to think if he can find someone and move to NY, I can find someone and move to Seattle. I just don't really think about it anymore. I really do try not to think about things at all. 

I'm trying to write about random things, but there's only one thing I'm thinking about. It's so pathetic, too, because what's there to think about. What do I think is going to happen? My mind always liked to get me excited for things that I know would never happen. 

When I had that job interview, I just somehow knew it wasn't going to happen. I wasn't going to get a job, and then magically everything would be okay. I have this warped view that nothing good ever happens. I back this up by looking at when good things do happen. When something good happens to you, how long does it last? See, good things don't happen, they're just bad things disguised as good.

You're in a new relationship, and then one day, you're crying and begging that person to stay. You've finally got a job, and then one day you're wondering how you're going to have a life on minimum wage. Your mom has given birth to you, and now you wish you were dead.

Good things happen to remind us how shitty things really are. 

You know, I don't think about Emily anymore. I guess I got over her. When I think about it, the only reason I'm still having a hard time over Alex is because we were, or at least I was for my part more passionate for her then I was for Emily. Emily and I were good together, but she didn't really know me and I think that I would have started to crack under not being to express myself openly with her.

Alex knew me, or at least I showed her everything I can. She knew my deepest thoughts, and it was so much harder to lose her after baring everything. I always considered myself a monster, but she is much more evolved in ways I will never be. I always liked that about her. 

There were times I knew I'd emotionally wouldn't be able to handle like her talking to other guys. But I remember one night, I told her to lay it on me. I wanted her to hurt me, and she really did. It wasn't like "Oh, well, some guys talk to me, but I refuse them." It was "Yeah, other guys want me and you should worry." She let me have it. And I kind of admired her for it. I think because I know I've had that effect on a lot of people, and I've never experienced it. 

In the end, I knew she didn't mean it and didn't want to hurt me. But we were, I think, on fire for each other and to me, baring our darkest selves to each other was...erotic in a way. Maybe I'm really bummed at knowing I'll never know another girl like her. I like to think she feels the same. but only because it helps me sleep. And really, at this point, who cares what I think, because there's no one to judge.

As much fun as it is remembering Alex, I guess this is it. I plan on taking some pain pills to work tomorrow, because this will hurt tomorrow. 

It kind of sucks that despite everything, I still miss Alex. 

You know how you kind of wish for something, and then it happens and it's just like....you didn't need what you wished for at all. In fact, it's one of those old sayings and I, being the fuck up that I am, ignored it.

I'm just going to go on ahead and use common sense, and say Alex reads this. First of all, why would anyone want to read these pathetic things I write? Honestly, I'm kind of surprised I would ever have anything to write about. I literally only work nowadays. I wake up, look at myself in the mirror, shower, and then go to work. I come home late, feed the cat and myself, and go to bed. My stepmom and dad, of all people, picked up on this, and tried to talk to me about it. They told me to let go of "whatever happened to me," and enjoy life again.

Anyone that reads these pathetic things that I write know that there is no life to enjoy, and there are no great things to achieve.

Anyways. I'm writing because I received a message from Alex today. This was not a lovely thing for me to receive as it was a burst of emotions I have no felt in a year. There is also no way I could actually reply to her, and knowing she reads this shit, I guess this will have to do.

She apologized to me, and I feel....empty. No, not really. I have that shitty feeling in my chest that I think she knew I got when I got really down.





Actually, you know, it's funny that she would apologize when it was me who was a shitty boyfriend. In fact, I used to think I'd have been in Ohio a long time ago if I wasn't an asshole who always faked breaking up with her or told her to stop telling me about things that was going in school. Maybe things would be nice.

The truth is, and the last time I checked (which was a long time ago now), she's with someone. I don't know what to think. I try not to think about it all. I had closed it in, and remain, every day, holding that door shut as hard as I try. But that came open in full force. My hands are shaking, and I might as well just go with it.

If Alex is really reading this, then I'd like her to know that....I was damaged before she and I dated. The only difference is that I'm more damaged, and full of hate. I'm full of despair at knowing no one cares about me and desperate for everything to end. My sociopathic brother cares about nothing, my mom only cares about me paying off my loans. The people at work call me the guy who never smiles, and that's the only impression I'm able to make.

But why would I want her to know this. Why would anyone want to know this? Why am I even trying to make a response to her. I have nothing positive to say, and I have nothing to give.

Either way, of course I couldn't help but look at her site. And of course, right there, the first thing I see is a picture of her. This was not needed.



I was reading some of my old journals from high school a couple of days ago. There's lots of deja vu in them. It's like reading this blog except they're seven and eight years old. My life has not changed in a decade. How pathetic is that that I have not gained any skills in bettering myself.


Anyways. It's not much of a coherent response, and I guess this is the last time I'll ever hear from Alex, which is sad in a way. It's like I'm losing her again.

So....I feel like writing again. I guess it's a good thing I never got rid of this. I used to think if I got rid of this, I could somehow feel a sense of relief and move on.

You know, the more I think about it, the more true it seems to be. I'm just never going to a happy person. I'm going to be that old man in the corner of a bar, and that's if I even make it to being an old man. I always did like to keep a bottle of Advil close.

I never really was one to have any grand plans for life. I just wanted someone I actually enjoyed being around, and vice versa. I've grown so accustomed to hating everybody, that I don't see myself melting for anyone anymore. I really wanted to go to Seattle, but why? It would just remind me of Alex. I want to be a good artist, and have a good job to support myself. But what's the point.

I actually created a Tumblr a little earlier this year hoping it would help out. But my posting isn't consistent, and no one's looking.

http://zombifriend.tumblr.com/

Maybe someone on here will happen by.

So, I got no plans and don't care much for the future or having anyone to share it with. I'm not scared of death, and I'm not scared for anyone who should accidentally feel like they've lost me.