It's pretty funny how I finally come on here to post and it's about something good for once, and then the next day, I'm right back on because things just aren't right I suppose. Well, I had a nice reminder on how alone I am. It was like a reminder of all the things I believe to be true actually are true. I actually hoped against things I know will happen anyways.

    I actually don't mean to be vague, but I feel like it's something I've said so many times; that all I do is bark up the same empty tree day after day. I guess it's more like a reminder to back off. I did start to become friendly with people at work, and I suppose doing that set off in me the ability to feel like I could have more or feel like I wanted or deserved more.

    You know the truth is that I'm a good ole fashioned loser. I gave up on everything, and I've settled for a quiet indispensable life hoping to just make it through. I don't know. Maybe it's not so bad.

    So I really wanted to talk about the day I had today. It was not amazing exactly, but what came out of it I think I the good part. Today I wasn't feeling all that well but I pushed through it, because we had two trucks and I didn't want to bitch out. It wasn't too bad, though. The boss kept on lighter duties, and I'd go take a five minute break after pushing myself too hard sometimes. But really, it wasn't so bad or even that long especially for a 12-8 day.

    When I got home, I washed up a bit, put on some smooth jazz, and started cooking. The thing is is that I've been cooking a lot more lately. I've really gotten into it, and I've also been trying to eat a little healthier. I try to not drink as much sweet tea and limit mysel to two glasses a day and then switch to water. I've also been working on portion control. A few years ago, I used to love pizza rolls and I would about demolish two bags in one night. But I haven't had them in a couple of years, and one night after work, I just wanted something quick and easy so I thought pizza rolls. I got one bag and couldn't even finish it all. So I'm proud of myself for that. It feels good.

    But anyway, I made some fried rice and teriyaki chicken, and threw it all in a bowl. I discovered that Kroger sells the orange hibachi sauce which is wonderful, and I poured some on there. I had some left over angel cake and whipped cream, so I got some for dessert. I took it all to my room, and watch an episode of LOST on Netflix.

    I've stopped eating pasta a lot more, and gave it up for rice. I've been making salads a lot, too, and making really awesome toasted sandwiches. I bought shrimp a couple of times, and added some buttery garlic and threw it in with my salad; amazing. When I do make pasta, I've learned how to make home made Alfredo sauce and god, I can never go back to Alfredo in a jar.

    The point I'm trying to make is that today was the type of day I had been aspiring for for a very long time. Work was tough, yet not really. It was quiet at least, and I had my headphones on. I came home, listened to jazz and cooked a very satisfying dinner. Watched tv and then put the jazz back on while I did the dishes. It was just all so nice. And to top it all off, it's thundering as I write this. I love the rain.

    I had decided to step back out of my shell, and try to meet a girl. Surprisingly and unsurprisingly, it didn't work out. I guess I just somehow thought that for once, something other than the usual would happen. And when I say the usual, I really mean the usual.

    I find a girl who's really cool and we get along. For a few days, everything's cool and then my rejection issues start to cause a stir in my head. And then she disappears literally, as in we're getting along and then I just don't hear from her again.

    The problem is did I do something wrong? I'd like to be more confident in myself and say that maybe she did like me, but things were going on in her life and she felt too bad to tell me. Or maybe I just fucked up.

    The lesson I'm learning (again) is that.....actually is there really anything to learn here? I just know that I stepped out from under my rock, and I got stepped on again. If anything, I have that one more notch on my belt as proof to myself that there's no point.

    I really don't want to sound completely bummed out. Yeah, it sucks, but tomorrow, I'll be fine and it'll be whatever.

    Well, hey. We're halfway through the year and I've only posted three times. So let's get started.

    Hmm....

    You know when you meet someone and they're clearly full of themselves, and you think they should probably take it down a notch. I think I'm like that, but really, I think maybe we're all like that in a way. So I think is it bad to be...no, this isn't something I really feel like talking about.

    Alex Wood and I do not talk anymore again. But nothing happened. I think something happened with him and he stopped caring and/or trying. Luckily, he does these things in a way that annoys me so I don't have to care either way. I used to be like "hey, check this out" to let him know I was still his friend but I stopped this time. And yes, there have been times when I wanted to include him in something but I tell myself "Would he really care or appreciate it?" We could be friends sometimes, but I'll never not think he's devoid of empathy.

    Alex Welch and I do not talk, either. Uh...well, there's not much to say. I guess I actively stopped talking to her anyways, because in the back of my head, I always thought I was still important, but I figured out that I was only good for listening to her problems or helping her with computer junk. And let me tell you, she seems to drop you pretty quickly when you don't do the one thing she uses you for. I'm not putting her down, I'm the same way, but it doesn't mean I'll be used, either. I did try to be friendly a few times, but she seemed to have no time for that. I thought about just deleting her off Tumblr, because it's not like I care about her content, but I don't know. I'm always curious.

    I took Lennon to see three movies this month. Oh, my god. It's a good thing I got three paychecks this month. All three movies were awesome, and I had a good time. We do this thing before a movie starts where we get super excited and "power up" like Dragon Ball Z characters....ha. I also took him to Momocon. I spent a lot of money this month. I'm not complaining, though, believe me.  I really enjoy being a good big brother. I think I'm really good at it. I can tell mom really appreciates me including him all the time, since my other brothers and I never had good relationships with each other.

    Tim and I have had this weird tension for a little while. I'm getting to that point where I'm kind of a dick. But the thing I like about Tim is that he can take it. He's like my little punching bag, and I think he gets off on it? I honestly don't see what he sees in me, but hey, whatever works. There hasn't been a tension with Shoe, but I haven't really let him know there is any. I don't know why. Normally, I don't care. He's really kind of been annoying me lately, though, but in weird ways that would sound ridiculous if I told him. So I'm just letting it ride out.

    I've been pretty close to getting a new job lately. I want it but I don't. I get a way bigger paycheck, but it means working outside, the one thing I didn't want to do when I grew up. Plus, dad is helping me get it and I don't want to owe him anything. I don't want anything to do with him and Cathie for the most part and this put them right in my life. Hopefully, when I get this job, I can get my own place someday and just kick them right out my life. I don't want to not have Mel in my life, but I don't think she cares anyways. To her, I'm just the ungrateful black sheep I'm sure. Who knows what Cathie feeds her.

    But hey, life has been alright like usual. I really can't complain.

    Let's talk about girls. I really hate girls. You would think I should be gay, but I guess, it would be better to say that I hate people. I think it stems from having high expectations from how a person should be. I don't believe compassion exist anymore, and I don't like anyone without it.

    Let me just say that I think there's a difference between people and a person. A person is smart and has compassion, but people do not and I hate people. I'm at a point where I hate people so much that I don't want to be involved with a person on any level. I don't think there's any person out there that can offer what I need and want.

    Sure, you know, I'm weird. I admit it. I have an extremely dry sense of humor, and these days, I don't even know when I'm being sarcastic or not. Maybe I'm joking and being serious at the same time. But I know that I'm unique in that way and I know I require a certain type of person to be able to handle the way I am. That's why I'm friends with Tim. He gets it. And that's why I lost all my friends, because they grew up in ways that I didn't.

    "So Matt, you got Tim, why do you think you can't meet others that could 'put up with you?" Honestly, I'm just full of myself. I can't possibly fathom any idea that may mean there's someone out there for me. Hell, Tim is a mistake and a fluke in my system; a virus in a way.

    Even when I meet someone I think I could like, there's always that thing about them that almost makes me want to punch a wall. A problem I have is that I have tunnel vision. I can't see the big picture when it comes to people. Once, I find something about you that I can't stand, it's all I can see anymore. No, I don't think it's healthy, but it's my nature plus the things I have personally gone through to make me feel this way.

    I have a nature of egging people on. How far can I go before they shut me out? I need to push my limits on people. I already don't like them, so I don't care about losing them. I've seen girls that were so perfect physically, in my mind, they had to be perfect mentally. They had to be this girl I dreamed up in my head. But it always turns out to be the opposite, and I partly take the blame for it. It's my personality, and I honestly can't really pinpoint what it is sometimes.

    Sometimes, it's because I showed no interest which is obvious, but what about when I actually am interested in getting to know someone? What is it about me that turns people away? Is my hatred so vile that it has physically manifested itself, or is it literally dripping off my tongue when I speak? Can you see my hatred with your eyes?

    I went on a date a couple of weeks ago, and all I could think about was wishing I could go home.

    These last couple years, I have become a much happier person. I think closing myself off emotionally has helped. People will say, I'm not truly happy and maybe they're right, but even when I was young, I remember feeling like it would be better to stay in the middle than go through highs and lows. It's where I'm most comfortable.

    And it's not like I particularly liked people before I hated them anyways. I've always been an outcast, and kept to the outside watching others interact. I just think that sometimes I'm the only who cares, and I show it by not caring.

    Hey. I just thought I'd check in real quick. There hasn't been a lot going on during my day to day life, but outside of that, things have been moving along. Tim moved to the floor at work as a salesman, and Kevin's wife wanted him to quit to have him around more. My two only real friends in the back have moved on, but I'll still see Tim and I'll still stay in contact with Kevin. Things are just going to be quieter  for me in the back, and that's honestly not too bad.

    It may be a lot more quiet for Sears in general. I may be getting a job at the city. My dad knows a lot of people there and gave them a call, so in a way, I'd be surprised if I don't get the job. But obviously, there's always that nagging doubt in my head. I don't know. I'm sure it'll work out. I really hope it does. I kind of need this.

    I don't know how much more I've got in me when it comes to my dad. Of course I'm glad to be lucky enough so that he can help me get a job, but he's going about it completely wrong; so wrong that it's reminded me how shitty of a person he is. I was so ready to get over the past and start anew with him, but it all came back biting me in the ass. I wouldn't say it bit me in the ass so much that it was just a big wake up call. He's just an asshole, and when I get this job, I'm going to have to back off. Maybe it'll happen in the future, but right now, I'm not into the idea of letting him in my life.

    Things are still going pretty good, though. I had a couple of days where it felt like I may be slipping, but I just let it pass without dwelling on it. I think I felt more confident in myself that everything's okay. I finally found the tattoo I want to get. Someone had drawn this awesome design based on Dark Souls, and it is perfect. It's too bad it's not my own design, but I could still make one for myself in the future. I asked the guy if he was okay with me getting it as a tattoo, and he was excited about it. He asked for pictures. Of course, I'll need money first and if I get this new job, money wouldn't be a problem.

    Anyways, I think that's about it for tonight.

    As a fun side note, my mom walked in laughing a little. I got The Wallflowers playing and she was surprised I still listen to them. Man, I love 90's music.

     I've actually and honestly have been putting it off, but I figure it's time to check in for the new years. I've been doing so well, you'd wonder why I wouldn't want to talk about it but I feel like I only come here when things are bad and it's started to feel superstitious. Like I'll mess things up by coming around. But really, lately, things have been completely nice.

      You always hear you can't make others happy unless you can make yourself happy, or that you have to love yourself first. I can maybe see more clearly how that's true, but why would I want anyone new in my life to come mess up what I've got? I'm a lot more self possessed, and I know how to keep myself afloat. It took so long, there's no way I'm going to start letting others in to come destroy shit.

      This was the first holiday season that I didn't become depressed during. I wasn't looking forward to it at all, because that's what tends to happen. But I had a great holiday. My mom and I have become a lot closer which is something I never thought would happen. Alex and I are friends again which is also something that I never thought would happen. It seems like the whole family has been doing well.
   
     I remember I used to talk about feeling more like my old self, but honestly, I've transcended beyond that. I'm something completely new, and I don't think most people would recognize me. I always claimed to not care what others think, but it's so different when it's actually true. I've started smiling more, and not coming off as angry looking or whatever. I'm more social and nicer to the point that I can see how unattractive it is to be like how I used to be. There's a new girl at work, and I simply said "Yo, You new?" and she kind of rolled her eyes and was like yep. That was weird. I'm not used to being the one that's turned away in that way. It was funny, too, though.

     Alex and I hadn't talked a lot lately, so I messaged her on Thanksgiving kind of as an excuse to say I'm still around. In return, she messaged me first on Christmas. We kind of talked a little more after that. I started liking the idea of talking more again, because I honestly like her a lot. I had sent her something before, but I don't know if she got it. But it kind of felt like a good reminder that "Yeah, of course it won't work out." I kind of feel dumb, but I still don't want to let our friendship crumble.

     The only real bad thing that's happened is that my friendship with Chris finally did crumble. It could see it coming for so long, so it doesn't really bother me that much, but of course it still sucks. He just doesn't care or something, and whatever. I did everything I could, and I can't keep trying to hang on to people that make me feel like shit.

     There's only one thing that's been crappier than that, and it's that I've been sick since December. It first started off feeling like mono. I was so exhausted, and felt like I was dying. And then I had a fever that was on and off, and an extremely shitty cough. So I thought it was bronchitis maybe. It finally went away, but the cough didn't. And now I'm fighting off a damn cold. I'm pretty much ready to go into a coma until I feel better.