I just realized I've had this blog for a little over a year now. It's nice to see how far I've come from being completely depressed to overall content.

The other day, I went to Ben's with Sean and I got drunk for the first time in my life.We did a bunch of different types of shot like Fireball, Jaggerbomb, PBJ, etc. It turns out the Irish/English in me actually loves Bailey's. Or maybe it's just the fact it was caramel flavored, and that's pretty awesome.

I had a lot of fun. I was able to stop when I needed to, and was able to experience being drunk safely. We pretty much just hung out and talked, and ate pizza, so it wasn't like I had to worry anyways.

Last night, Sean and I went back over and had a LAN party with Zack talking to us through Skype. We drunk a little, but didn't get drunk and played games. We played Minecraft and messed with this 13 year old kid on his server. It was funny. After that, we played this scary game and basically it was us drinking and shouting in fright at 2 in the AM.

Sean left to go home today, and I had a lot of fun visiting him. Ben and I will still hang out, and play Diablo 3 with Zack and Sean through Skype, so that'll be good.

With my other friends, Tim has been really trying to get me and some others to get a room for AWA this year. Chris and Stefan will be coming with me, so it'll be us four. That'll be very fun, and I'm pretty excited especially because I didn't get to go last year.

Sean and Zack visited this past week. I haven't talked to Zack since the Emily/Evan ordeal, so that's about two years. Sean really wanted Zack and I to hang out and become friends again, so we all, along with Ben and Alex, went to Stevi B's. It was pretty nostalgic, but I was too anxious to really try to start a conversation.

Sean suggested I tell him the story about how I got a girl to yell Metal Gear when we had sex, and so I did and laughs were had. Zack and I were still kind of iffy to talk, although it was him who wanted this more than me.

After we left, Sean suggested we go to my house and watch all the old videos we'd done. For some (mostly obvious) reason, Zack and I opened up a lot and started talking about old times. It was really nice, and it was especially enjoyable that he was literally the same guy I knew before even if he's a huge redneck now (as far as looks go).

The next night, he and Sean came over again, and we played scary games all night with the lights out. Zack and I really became friends again after that. He left and I gave him my phone number. I was actually sad, because it was his last night in town. But I told myself he has my number and we'll talk.

It's not like I'm torn up at all. I'm actually very glad this happened. Sean's in town this week, as well, and he's planning on all of us playing Diablo 3 together over Skype.

I'm a space ship for the taking if it's only you that's thinking of the six feet deep race way. It is perilous that we open our carriers scent back into the spooky center as we've become the space that I've always wanted. I can remember our hair on the patio sun steps when we walked into our lives. 


I've reached the poles heart beat of a car that I saved to my desktop for when I'm lonely. Look to me, I've always wanted to be that which has made it clear my hairiness sand back paper you gave me is to miss. But I've been playing with myself in a chair, so you know...yeah, I am a man whose head is in the air.


I'm a city that's run away, and the answers to open the things you love are what has treated you as being in the middle. Wouldn't you know I could live without you? If I hurry to MySpace, I can let the world know that I've denounced the annoying bathroom blisters have gone away. And if I go crazy, I can show you what's to know for being a head full of natural love that's wasted on the wrong person every two to five minutes.


If you think I can hide away from the motion of drinking only the want to have had a hand to hold you, then have fun wasting away on your holiday.

Update.

I've gone back to normal; normal as in what I would be like without the distraction of a relationship or trying to find one, etc. It doesn't mean I'm any more happy, but it doesn't mean I'm really ever sad. I have become very content to the point where I shove out new ideas in trying to make sure there are no new factors in my life to try and alter my, not really new at this point, place in the world.

Alex has literally become a thing of the past. I don't think of her at all anymore, and I only do so now to write down the fact. I think if I really had to think about it, she's become a haunting; something (someone) that is not safe to be around, and the very idea of it (her) should not be approached. I hate her, and that is all I will say on the subject.

Of course, I think about Emily and Evan, but they've become more like a memory based on taking so much of my life to the point that I can't really not ever think of them sometimes. The difference, really, is that it doesn't hurt to think about them. It kind of bums me out, but I recognize that they've become a band aid in which the pain comes in one burst and then disappears, therefore giving me no reason to really dread about it.

Andrew and I are very good friends. In fact, I'd go as far as to say he has become the best friend I've had in a very long time. I don't have to try with him or pretend. We don't stutter for things to talk about; we just talk. He calls sometimes, which is funny because it reminds me when it was the norm back in the day for friends to call for no reason and just talk. We can tell each other things; we have each others back. I believe if one of us was to ever leave Sears, we would still maintain our friendship in another way. It's nice to have this friend.

Life in general is not so bad anymore, but for the wrong reasons. I am not so naive as to not see that, yes, I have shut myself off to the world. I really have become a shell, but I'm not complaining. I have things that do make me very happy and things that I look forward to and enjoy doing. They might not be....wondrous things, but they do the job. 

Today, I realized how much I've changed in the last half year. I've become cold, aggressive, uncaring.

The guys at work like to "fight" and mess around, and I've become quick to throw my arms up. They've all become surprised, because I'm a slow worker; generally slow due to being chilled out, but when I fight I'm the fastest guy there. It's surprising, because of my size.

I got punched in the face a couple days ago, and I enjoyed it. I realized a punch isn't something to be afraid of. I was also able to retaliate quickly, and in a more ruthless way so to speak. The punch was an accident, but I was quick to show off the fact that I won't take anything like that.

I was with a girl kind of for the last month where really, we just fucked a lot. She started falling for me and I found someone better and closer to me, so I had to let the other girl go. I'm not trying to fall in love. I've officially hit player status at work, because this isn't the first or second time I've done something like this. I had seen three girls in one week earlier this year.

One guy at work said he didn't recognize me anymore; I'm not gentle like I used to be I guess. He was making a joke, but it hit me that I have changed. Is it for the better or worse? Maybe I'm not a better person, but it doesn't hurt to be like this. I never have to worry about being hurt again, and after the last two years of what I had gone through trying to be with people, I'd say it's for the better. 

It just kind of bewilders me that I could change myself into this kind of person. I never thought I could be aggressive. I never thought I could cuss someone out and tell him to fuck off when he becomes a cocky little shit. I was always the quiet one taking all the blows, and not caring about myself.

I don't know if I care about myself now, though. I guess I do in a way. I stand up for myself, and let people see that I'm strong. I show off. I put other people down instead of myself, and I like it. I like hurting people. A friend told me I'd obviously been hurt in the past, and it's like I'm getting revenge on other people for it.

I wouldn't say I'm getting revenge, rather I just don't care how I make you feel.

I've known this for a while, but it's seemed to have become a bigger force in my life and has made me feel really confused. I have some bad commitment issues. I get bored, and start sabotaging everything. And the weirdest thing is that it feels so right. It would feel wrong to not do those things.

Of course I know where it comes from and why I developed them, because it's not so much as commitment issues as it is a mental block that I created to protect myself. I've been talking to a girl for a month, we fucked a lot, and now I feel like I've gotten what I want. That's when the want and need to be alone comes into place. I barely talk to her anymore, and when I do I'm questioning everything she does.

At the same time, I'm talking to a new girl. Girls have become like video games for me; I get bored after a week or some, and want a new one. Even before the girl I've been talking to for a month, I had been on a pretty big amount of dates with some other girls and fooled around with some.

I feel like I'm making up for something. Really, though, I just got fucked real hard and now everything's backward for me. I used to just want to be in love and do everything with them. Now, all I even can do is fuck girls with no emotions involved and move on.

Maybe it's just because I'm 23, and I'll naturally move on to more mature things. Hopefully.