I was thinking about how I wish I could go back to how things were this past summer when I just got a new job, I kept quiet and to myself, and sat on a bench and read during my lunch. Things were quiet and simple, and I don't know why no matter how bad a situation was, I end up romanticizing everything. The fact is that I was miserable.

I guess after time has passed, you kind of forget the little things like how you were feeling exactly and you just remember the general idea of what life was like. I guess I rather remember it like that than remember it as dealing with a break up and being depressed. The funny thing, which isn't so funny, is that I'm still dealing with those things, but the feeling's duller.

These days, I have friends at work, girls to go on dates with, and it all feels so empty. None of it is doing anything for me long term wise. At work, I'm generally fine, but then I get home and I sit around waiting for something. I have lots of distractions and they help, but I just want what I had when I was dating Emily; a fullness.

You know I never even did talk to the girl I went on a date with again. She was lame.

It's okay, because I got my social fix from it and I'll be good for another couple months. It makes me feel a little dead. I just drift around till I need a fix. I don't really try to pursue holding onto a feeling that would otherwise make me feel alive. But you know, I've dealt with the feeling of losing what makes you feel alive plenty of times to know it's not all that it's made out to be.

I went on a date tonight. We saw Beauty and the Beast. I'll be honest with myself. I wished that I was seeing it with Alex.

It doesn't help that it was a shitty date anyways. When I got there, she was talking to someone so I had to awkwardly wait on her. And then she turned around to tell me what she was talking about with her friend. So I never really did get to say hey or anything.

When we go inside, she starts talking to the guy who took our tickets while I waited another awkward ten minutes. And then she hugged him. Hugging is fine, but I wouldn't hug another girl in front of a date. That's just me I guess.

After the movie, she had to rush home because her mom cut her hand while cooking. We were going to go to Starbucks and hang out.

So, yeah. I didn't know if I'd care for her anyways, but then being with her in person confirmed it. She's outgoing and talkative which are all shitty qualities. I may go out with her again, and maybe that'll go better. But otherwise, $20 for two tickets down the drain.

Alex talked to me tonight. I really fucking wish she didn't. I have a hard enough time getting on with life without her coming around.

I stayed and talked a little, since my fucking curiosity got the better of me. Eventually, I was able to just get off and get away from her.

She talked about how she thinks about me every now then, because of games and shit. And some guy she's fucking. I don't really need to hear about it. God, I hate her.

I felt like I had something to write about, but I don't know what to say. I feel like...I feel like I figured out the way the world works too early. When you see the angry old people, because they've gotten to the point in their life where they realize life sucks and that's all there is to it. They're just old and angry. I feel like that except I'm still young.

There isn't a secret to life. Life sucks, and I don't mean it in the joking way where people try to make light of it. I mean it in a whole hearted way in the way in the sense that if anything good ever happens, then it's by chance. Either it wasn't supposed to happen, or you just got lucky.

A good example of that, to me, is being in love. Love isn't real. It's just a surge of emotions and pheromones. It's a chemical imbalance. The only reason people want it so bad is because that feeling is like any drug. It's addicting, and it makes us feel good. We also seek it on a primal level. We are animals, and all animals seek to reproduce. That's all there really is to it.

I can't sit here and act like I'm above everyone else, because I'm addicted to that feeling, too. I've tasted it a lot, and I feel like my whole life will be spent looking for it again. I just kind of hate that. I hate that something that ruined me is all I want.