I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know what I'm feeling. I'm not depressed or anything, nor am I full of hate or anger. I know those feelings, and I know how to deal with them. But I don't know what's going on with me lately.

I'm bored all the time. I've been reaching out to people I don't talk to much or haven't talked to in a long time, and getting them to hang out. I'm always looking for something interesting to do at work. I'm just trying to stay busy I think, and keep my mind occupied. I mean those are normal, but then I reopened my Facebook? What am I doing?

I'm so bored, and I just want to do anything.

Shoe was dating this girl a bit last year, but they decided to be friends. I think maybe he noticed I was really down last week, and now he's introduced her to me or something. He knew I had a slight crush on her. It was mostly a joke, but I mean...she is kind of cool honestly. I was talking to her on Facebook, but I don't know what I'm doing. I'm so stupid and weird when I talk to people.

I don't know. Maybe it's just a weird phase and it'll end shortly. I'm not sure if I want it to. I don't know if I really have anything against this. It kind of hurts, but a lot less than most things and it really only hurts when I start to sit idle. That's why I'm trying to stay busy.

Clearly, I'm trying to protect myself from having to deal with something painful. Not sure what it is really. I dated this girl for a couple weeks. We were starting to get serious, and then she broke it off on Valentines Day. Honestly, I couldn't care less that it was that day, especially since it's so clitche, but you know. It's like I try to do something with myself finally, and as soon as I do, I get fucked.

It didn't really affect me, though. I was bummed for a little bit, but really, I'm over it. So I don't know why my minds trying to stay busy. Maybe everything in general has finally just caught up with me, and if I stop to think about it, I'll snap. I really do kind of feel like I could snap.

Anyways. My Facebook is back up. I seriously get a bad taste in my mouth from looking at it. I deleted almost everything, though. All the messages with Alex and Emily. All of my pictures, and most of the people on my friends list. I guess I could start again with it, but I mean, I don't even know anyone. I got a handful of friends and none of them use it.

Whatever, though. I'll get over it.

I've got this bad habit of shrugging off people when they try to help, because I don't have it in me to trust that they really care. And then I have another habit of coming off as an asshole when I try to show that I care.

This should probably be the definition of emotional suffering.

Well, I guess it's that time again. I poked my head out of my hole trying to find something or someone. I know every now and again, I'll feel safe and want to have a look around outside my own little world, and I guess it's healthy to do so as a firm reminder that it's not safe.

I feel lonely, and I feel really depressed about it. Whatever I say about feeling like being on my own is the best option, I really would just like someone around. Maybe deep down I'm just sad that I don't really have an option.

I tried to go into my little hole and shut everything out, but I couldn't this time. It's really a process. Everything does and will hurt for a while, and then it'll all quiet back down. I'll quiet down, and remember my place.

The problem is that I feel unwanted. I go looking for someone to like me. Finding no one is one thing, but having your hopes up is a whole other beast. It's a slow and agonizing pain. I had a hard time falling asleep last night. I read these things as I write and they come off as far fetched, so what does it mean that it's all true?

You know, and maybe this will sound corny or lame, but a lot of people say nothing matters when they get down. But maybe, really, it's just me that doesn't matter.