I've known this for a while, but it's seemed to have become a bigger force in my life and has made me feel really confused. I have some bad commitment issues. I get bored, and start sabotaging everything. And the weirdest thing is that it feels so right. It would feel wrong to not do those things.

Of course I know where it comes from and why I developed them, because it's not so much as commitment issues as it is a mental block that I created to protect myself. I've been talking to a girl for a month, we fucked a lot, and now I feel like I've gotten what I want. That's when the want and need to be alone comes into place. I barely talk to her anymore, and when I do I'm questioning everything she does.

At the same time, I'm talking to a new girl. Girls have become like video games for me; I get bored after a week or some, and want a new one. Even before the girl I've been talking to for a month, I had been on a pretty big amount of dates with some other girls and fooled around with some.

I feel like I'm making up for something. Really, though, I just got fucked real hard and now everything's backward for me. I used to just want to be in love and do everything with them. Now, all I even can do is fuck girls with no emotions involved and move on.

Maybe it's just because I'm 23, and I'll naturally move on to more mature things. Hopefully.

Well, you know if it isn't possible for you to be me, then at least up above, there's a place where there's nothing to see; just another dream. It's where you can get what you want if you can't get me; an imaginary sun to keep you warm to feel like you're next to me. 


In this world of holes, looking out at another day, it's like the millionth time of asking if anyone's seen this missing person. But up in the point of the end of the day, I can close my eyes and enter our old corner where we shared ourselves. It's nice to pretend that the pain is gone, because when I lay down to sleep, I see you next to me.

I was thinking about when Shoe talked to me the other week. He told me Emily, after never talking to him after she broke up with me, had randomly came up to him and asked how I was. I was feeling a little rough about it for a day or two, but Shoe talked to me about it.

In that, I mentioned how I don't know why she'd care and such. Apparently, she still has my phone number. Shoe told me we dated for four years, so of course she's going to remember me and think of me a lot. He said that when you feel sad about missing someone, then they feel the same way sometimes when you were with them seriously and for a long time.

I can only guess from that, that being in love with a new guy, that she's able to think about me in a healthy way. At least, for myself, I realize if she, for some reason, wanted to get back together, I know it wouldn't work. I'm too different than how I used to be.

In a chain reaction, I had thought about Evan a lot this past week. I dreamed about him last night. I had read somewhere once, that when you dream about someone, it means that they miss you. I can't remember where I read it, but I should look into that scientifically, because it's obviously a superstition or something.

Either way, I guess we had known each other our whole lives, and it would be logical that he misses me. But then I think about how I had messaged him on FB last summer, and he never replied. I don't really know what to make of him, except the fact that I know he's being transferred and we'll never talk again. At least I can say I tried to talk to him, and I'll never have to think about how I could have changed things, even though, I could obviously try more and harder.

But I can't.

Anyways, I guess it's healthier of me to realize these people miss me and I think that's all I really wanted to know; that I made an impact.