I had an evening on Saturday where I was at the gym, and watching TikTok. There was a video of some pharmaceutical rep at a Congressional hearing just smirking about the fact that they control these crazy prices and the government can’t do anything. It made me so upset. I thought how am I supposed to live in this world with people like this. The companies are corrupt, the government is corrupt, and we’re all just along for the ride. 

I’ve come a long way I think in letting things go. I really took a liking to Buddhism in my search to become mentally healthy. I’ve really enjoyed what I’ve learned from it and applying it to my life, but that brings me back to the TikTok video. I talked to a friend of mine about my feelings on it and he reminded me there’s nothing I can do about it and we’re all just animals in nature. It sounds a little nihilistic, but it helped. There’s nothing I can do except try to get into government? But that’s not realistic at all. The best thing I can do is just let it go. 

What good does being upset about it do? Do I spend my life being upset about nothing I can do? Or feel guilty for letting it go and moving on with my life? It’s Monday now and I’ve still be thinking about it because it’s so conflicting. 

Letting it go seems like the clear answer. People will do what they want even if it’s a horrible thing, and I just have to focus on doing what I want which is living the best life I can while trying not to be an asshole to everyone.

When I started going to the gym a couple of years ago, I would judge people so harshly. It would be stupid things like how they were dressed to things I had no business judging others for like their inability to use a machine correctly. I picked up on it after a while because it was affecting me and making me mean, so I started working on it.

I think a lot of what I've learned and learned to apply just kind of happened. I don't feel like I put these things into practice, but maybe I'm selling myself short. The way for me to get better at it is to catch myself and stop myself when it happens. I told myself to stop worrying about others at the gym, and I would catch myself doing it. It's been a while since I started it, and I realized recently that I don't have thoughts about others at the gym anymore especially negative ones. I'm sure the reason why it feels like I don't put any work in it is because I do practice, but before I know it, I'm not even thinking about it anymore.

My goal is to just learn to be more positive and less upset at everything. It includes everything from being a more patient driver to not being upset all the time at the state of the world. I feel like I'm getting there; it's just the small nitpicks I need to work out for the most part.

The biggest nitpick I have is judging people on how they're dressed. I know it's the lamest thing but it's always been a huge flaw of mine. I know it stems from being bullied so much growing up, and it's way past time to learn to let that go. I'm working on it, though. It'll still take a while, but I know I'll get there. 

 Hello. I started having this urge to start journaling again for the past few months or so. I know this sounds dumb, but I was reading a Miles Morales comic, and he was talking about how he started journaling. Then Apple came out with a new iOS update that introduced a Journal app, and I just felt like...let's get started I suppose.

I was reading my lost post from 2020, and it just kind of makes me laugh a little. It was so scary. But I should give myself some slack, it was really scary at the time. I complained about the election, and here we are at election season again. Yay. But anyways.

I wanted to start journaling again, because I spent a lot of last year focusing on my mental health; things like meditating, learning to stop having fake arguments in my head, trying to be more patient. I think it all really helped and I learned a lot. I think journaling could also help. I want to be more introspective, and this would definitely help with that I think.

This is really just an intro post. I thought about starting on another website or the iOS app, but I feel like I should keep it on here. This page is so embarrassing, but that just shows how much I've grown so I should reflect that with this new desire to start journaling again.

 It’s been a hell of a year. 2020. Last year was amazing. Monica and I were so happy. I was financially doing great, and doing all kinds of things I could never afford to do. We had plans for this year, and it was going to be even better. The beginning was nice. I traveled around the state for work, Monica and I were making plans for the year, and things were nice. 

I remember the subtle dread setting in very clearly. In late December the world was hearing about some kind of virus in China, but it was Christmas and no one cared. In January and February, we kept hearing more and more, but we all figured it was going to be the next Swine Flu and nothing major would happen. But then in March, COVID-19 hit the US and the rest of the world pretty hard and fast. 

The world went on a month long quarantine. Monica, Tim and I brought a lot of groceries. Luckily we all had toilet paper, because it was the first thing to disappear off of the shelves. It was really scary and our mental health took a nose dive, but we got through it. Monica and I had the best time we could trying to do what we could. 

But that was March. It’s the middle of October now, and lots of people are still working from home. The economy is down the drain, and the election is in a month. It’s been a nerve wracking time to say the least. Writing about it honestly makes me feel like I’m living in the post apocalypse, and I’m writing about what life used to be like. Well life used to be amazing. 

I had my second COVID test today. I still go to work and honestly I can’t complain, because so many people are out of work. The negative side to it is that I’m more susceptible to getting infected. Half of our workplace is in quarantine right now waiting to hear their results. I won’t get mine for another three days. 

Like I said, this is my second time going through this personally. The first time it happened, I wasn’t very worried. It was only one person in the office. But this time, I’m terrified. It affects people differently. Some people get flu like symptoms, some people get nothing but are still contagious, and some people just go comatose and die. 

Right now, my emotions are turned off. I feel like a shell. If you know me, obviously my anxiety has decided the comatose and die option is the most likely option. Monica has been trying to make me smile. It works, but even I could hear her almost start to cry when she told me she loved me like it was the last time she’d get to say it. Tim tries to act goofy and like it’s all fine. Honestly it might all be fine, but who knows. 

What can I say. 2020 has been a trying year, and I’ve only talked about the pandemic. I haven’t mentioned the presidential corruption, the all time high racial tensions, the protests. The pandemic looks to continue through 2021, so I can only hope things get better. Honestly I just hope I’m still around. I still have so many things I want to do with Monica. 

   I had a dream last night about Alex. It was kind of weird, and I just felt like writing about it I guess. It helps to get it out of my system. I can't really remember what it was about. I was hanging out with her in her room/apartment and it had been a while since we'd talk, but I guess we decided to hang out in person after this whole time. Anyhow, that's all I really remember. I remember thinking in the back of my head, I was hoping we could try and rekindle things.

   Like I said, it was a weird dream. I think it happens every once in a while; I'll dream about an old girlfriend or friend. In fact, now that I think about, I had dreamed about my dead grandparents the night before. I must be going through some weird dream phase. I've been dreaming a lot lately, and I wish I would stop. I feel like I haven't gotten a good nights sleep in a while.

   I guess right now, I'm just thinking of people I miss. I think of my grandparents all the time. I wish I could see them one more time or ask them for advice. I'm just glad I was there with them before the end. As far as Alex goes; can't really say I miss her. If I thought of her, it'd be a little nostalgic I guess, but I feel like that about almost everything because I always romanticize the past. When I moved here from Atlanta was one of the more depressing times in my life, but I think back fondly to sitting alone on my lunch break at work reading post apocalypse novels at the time.

   I can't complain. It's better than thinking about the bad parts of the past, although I definitely think about those things a lot sometimes, too, but I try not to dwell.

    You know when an addict or alcoholic relapses? I imagine this is what it feels like. I feel like I did something and fucked up so bad. And I swear it's like one of these days, something different has to happen but it doesn't. You'd think after what? A year or more; that it'd be different this time. You'd think I could just meet someone that is really good, and it would just stay that way. But it literally never does.

    I'd been playing it so safe, and never let myself feel anything real. But it started to catch up with me, and now I'm so lonely. I haven't felt like this since Alex and broke up years ago. The thing is is that I know I'll probably feel better in the morning. I'll probably feel numb tomorrow, and thank god I work by myself because I couldn't stand to put up a fake smile all day tomorrow.

    But the thing is is that I feel everything right now, and I feel so raw and dead. I feel ripped open and I just want to get it out of my system. So here we go; another year of me pushing everyone away again and not allowing myself to feel anything again because being dead inside is the only thing I can do.

    Lately I've been thinking about Alex a lot, and I don't know why really. I guess it has to do with how I've been feeling lately. It's like returning to the scene of the crime, because it's familiar. And I just hate it all. Everything feels jumbled up and I just want to lash out, but I can't because I have no one to talk to. Tim doesn't know me at all. Shoe will give me half baked wisdom that I fed him already.

    I wish I could talk to my mom when I feel this way, but I feel like I'd be letting her down. She's got the addict son, the son who isn't there, and me, the one who won't stop being sad about everything. It'd be like telling her "Yep, all you sons are fucked up." and I don't want her to think that when in the back of my mind, I know she'd be there for me. She knows what it's like to feel this way. But I still can't tell her. It's pride at this point.

    I don't want to die. I'm not suicidal. I just want everything else to disappear.

   Hey pals. I've started getting kind of sad again. It looks like I last wrote in 2014, and not that I can really remember every detail of the last two years, things were relatively okay. They were okay enough for me not to feel the need to write on here at least.

   I don't really feel like recapping the last two years, though. Instead I'll say I think I've gotten a lot better at dealing with emotional and mental stress. I may have grown up a bit, too. I just overall felt a little better about things. But lately things have started to pile on me a bit, and it's gotten a little tough and I just felt like writing about it on here. Why not?

    I had gotten really comfortable in life. I've been saving money up and living comfortably overall. I can grocery shop without trying to seriously budget myself too hard. I can buy wings every week, and a game every so often. It's pretty nice as far as those kind of things go. But my student loan payment went up, so I had to start preparing to be poor again like I was in Atlanta and I really didn't want to do it. So Alex suggested I go to BioLife and give plasma. I could make $280 or so every month. The problem is that my veins are not "good enough," and I was put on a wait list for three months. I've got two months left and I've been lifting weights and playing tennis. I try to drink more water, but that's the hardest part honestly. So I really hope my veins are up to standard and that extra money will really help me out. If it doesn't, I gotta start working more hours which is an option, but I rather not. Either way, I just have to wait and see what happens.

   Sears seems to be disappearing sooner than later, and I will have to look for a new job. I don't know where to work and I really don't want to start over. In fact, I don't think I can start over. It would be devastating. I really need to get a real job if I have to get a new one. It's really stressful to think about, but people keep saying we've still got a while, but I don't know. I feel like it'll be over next year.

   Tim and I have not gotten along great for a while now. He does things that piss me off and when I call him out, he gets offended and says he's not doing anything. I would like to say he's telling the truth and that I'm taking things wrongly. But I would also like to say that's not true. There are things I don't like that people do and he does them all all the time. So it's like yeah, I could learn to take it better. But he could also stop taking things personally when I call him out and realize that I'm allowed to be upset if you upset me. It's been going on a while. He put in his two weeks to get a new job, because it most like relates to us being around each other too much, and I'll be the first to tell you more time away from him would be nice. I honestly don't like him that much.

   I'm trying to pace myself and not get too down about all these things, and for the most part it works. I think I'm better at managing stress, but it's still all very stressful to deal with at the same time.

   But mostly I think it's causing after effects from dealing with it so long which honestly this all started at the beginning of the year. Dealing with this for half a year is too much, and it's starting to take a toll. I'm starting to feel really depressed again in a way I haven't felt in a long time, but it's not that bad. It's just bad enough.

   Honestly, day to day is pretty okay. It's mostly when I get home and I have nothing to do except sit in front of my computer and I start to feel a bit empty. It's funny, but I play games online with my friends most nights. I have friends come over every so often. Other than having a dead beat job (that at least gives me a comfortable life), I think my life is fulfilling. But I still feel empty. I feel like I'm missing something. I'm 27, still haven't met a girl. I still talk to myself all the time, because I'm lonely.

    It's pretty funny how I finally come on here to post and it's about something good for once, and then the next day, I'm right back on because things just aren't right I suppose. Well, I had a nice reminder on how alone I am. It was like a reminder of all the things I believe to be true actually are true. I actually hoped against things I know will happen anyways.

    I actually don't mean to be vague, but I feel like it's something I've said so many times; that all I do is bark up the same empty tree day after day. I guess it's more like a reminder to back off. I did start to become friendly with people at work, and I suppose doing that set off in me the ability to feel like I could have more or feel like I wanted or deserved more.

    You know the truth is that I'm a good ole fashioned loser. I gave up on everything, and I've settled for a quiet indispensable life hoping to just make it through. I don't know. Maybe it's not so bad.