Let's talk about girls. I really hate girls. You would think I should be gay, but I guess, it would be better to say that I hate people. I think it stems from having high expectations from how a person should be. I don't believe compassion exist anymore, and I don't like anyone without it.

    Let me just say that I think there's a difference between people and a person. A person is smart and has compassion, but people do not and I hate people. I'm at a point where I hate people so much that I don't want to be involved with a person on any level. I don't think there's any person out there that can offer what I need and want.

    Sure, you know, I'm weird. I admit it. I have an extremely dry sense of humor, and these days, I don't even know when I'm being sarcastic or not. Maybe I'm joking and being serious at the same time. But I know that I'm unique in that way and I know I require a certain type of person to be able to handle the way I am. That's why I'm friends with Tim. He gets it. And that's why I lost all my friends, because they grew up in ways that I didn't.

    "So Matt, you got Tim, why do you think you can't meet others that could 'put up with you?" Honestly, I'm just full of myself. I can't possibly fathom any idea that may mean there's someone out there for me. Hell, Tim is a mistake and a fluke in my system; a virus in a way.

    Even when I meet someone I think I could like, there's always that thing about them that almost makes me want to punch a wall. A problem I have is that I have tunnel vision. I can't see the big picture when it comes to people. Once, I find something about you that I can't stand, it's all I can see anymore. No, I don't think it's healthy, but it's my nature plus the things I have personally gone through to make me feel this way.

    I have a nature of egging people on. How far can I go before they shut me out? I need to push my limits on people. I already don't like them, so I don't care about losing them. I've seen girls that were so perfect physically, in my mind, they had to be perfect mentally. They had to be this girl I dreamed up in my head. But it always turns out to be the opposite, and I partly take the blame for it. It's my personality, and I honestly can't really pinpoint what it is sometimes.

    Sometimes, it's because I showed no interest which is obvious, but what about when I actually am interested in getting to know someone? What is it about me that turns people away? Is my hatred so vile that it has physically manifested itself, or is it literally dripping off my tongue when I speak? Can you see my hatred with your eyes?

    I went on a date a couple of weeks ago, and all I could think about was wishing I could go home.

    These last couple years, I have become a much happier person. I think closing myself off emotionally has helped. People will say, I'm not truly happy and maybe they're right, but even when I was young, I remember feeling like it would be better to stay in the middle than go through highs and lows. It's where I'm most comfortable.

    And it's not like I particularly liked people before I hated them anyways. I've always been an outcast, and kept to the outside watching others interact. I just think that sometimes I'm the only who cares, and I show it by not caring.

    Hey. I just thought I'd check in real quick. There hasn't been a lot going on during my day to day life, but outside of that, things have been moving along. Tim moved to the floor at work as a salesman, and Kevin's wife wanted him to quit to have him around more. My two only real friends in the back have moved on, but I'll still see Tim and I'll still stay in contact with Kevin. Things are just going to be quieter  for me in the back, and that's honestly not too bad.

    It may be a lot more quiet for Sears in general. I may be getting a job at the city. My dad knows a lot of people there and gave them a call, so in a way, I'd be surprised if I don't get the job. But obviously, there's always that nagging doubt in my head. I don't know. I'm sure it'll work out. I really hope it does. I kind of need this.

    I don't know how much more I've got in me when it comes to my dad. Of course I'm glad to be lucky enough so that he can help me get a job, but he's going about it completely wrong; so wrong that it's reminded me how shitty of a person he is. I was so ready to get over the past and start anew with him, but it all came back biting me in the ass. I wouldn't say it bit me in the ass so much that it was just a big wake up call. He's just an asshole, and when I get this job, I'm going to have to back off. Maybe it'll happen in the future, but right now, I'm not into the idea of letting him in my life.

    Things are still going pretty good, though. I had a couple of days where it felt like I may be slipping, but I just let it pass without dwelling on it. I think I felt more confident in myself that everything's okay. I finally found the tattoo I want to get. Someone had drawn this awesome design based on Dark Souls, and it is perfect. It's too bad it's not my own design, but I could still make one for myself in the future. I asked the guy if he was okay with me getting it as a tattoo, and he was excited about it. He asked for pictures. Of course, I'll need money first and if I get this new job, money wouldn't be a problem.

    Anyways, I think that's about it for tonight.

    As a fun side note, my mom walked in laughing a little. I got The Wallflowers playing and she was surprised I still listen to them. Man, I love 90's music.