You know when an addict or alcoholic relapses? I imagine this is what it feels like. I feel like I did something and fucked up so bad. And I swear it's like one of these days, something different has to happen but it doesn't. You'd think after what? A year or more; that it'd be different this time. You'd think I could just meet someone that is really good, and it would just stay that way. But it literally never does.

    I'd been playing it so safe, and never let myself feel anything real. But it started to catch up with me, and now I'm so lonely. I haven't felt like this since Alex and broke up years ago. The thing is is that I know I'll probably feel better in the morning. I'll probably feel numb tomorrow, and thank god I work by myself because I couldn't stand to put up a fake smile all day tomorrow.

    But the thing is is that I feel everything right now, and I feel so raw and dead. I feel ripped open and I just want to get it out of my system. So here we go; another year of me pushing everyone away again and not allowing myself to feel anything again because being dead inside is the only thing I can do.

    Lately I've been thinking about Alex a lot, and I don't know why really. I guess it has to do with how I've been feeling lately. It's like returning to the scene of the crime, because it's familiar. And I just hate it all. Everything feels jumbled up and I just want to lash out, but I can't because I have no one to talk to. Tim doesn't know me at all. Shoe will give me half baked wisdom that I fed him already.

    I wish I could talk to my mom when I feel this way, but I feel like I'd be letting her down. She's got the addict son, the son who isn't there, and me, the one who won't stop being sad about everything. It'd be like telling her "Yep, all you sons are fucked up." and I don't want her to think that when in the back of my mind, I know she'd be there for me. She knows what it's like to feel this way. But I still can't tell her. It's pride at this point.

    I don't want to die. I'm not suicidal. I just want everything else to disappear.