You know when an addict or alcoholic relapses? I imagine this is what it feels like. I feel like I did something and fucked up so bad. And I swear it's like one of these days, something different has to happen but it doesn't. You'd think after what? A year or more; that it'd be different this time. You'd think I could just meet someone that is really good, and it would just stay that way. But it literally never does.

    I'd been playing it so safe, and never let myself feel anything real. But it started to catch up with me, and now I'm so lonely. I haven't felt like this since Alex and broke up years ago. The thing is is that I know I'll probably feel better in the morning. I'll probably feel numb tomorrow, and thank god I work by myself because I couldn't stand to put up a fake smile all day tomorrow.

    But the thing is is that I feel everything right now, and I feel so raw and dead. I feel ripped open and I just want to get it out of my system. So here we go; another year of me pushing everyone away again and not allowing myself to feel anything again because being dead inside is the only thing I can do.

    Lately I've been thinking about Alex a lot, and I don't know why really. I guess it has to do with how I've been feeling lately. It's like returning to the scene of the crime, because it's familiar. And I just hate it all. Everything feels jumbled up and I just want to lash out, but I can't because I have no one to talk to. Tim doesn't know me at all. Shoe will give me half baked wisdom that I fed him already.

    I wish I could talk to my mom when I feel this way, but I feel like I'd be letting her down. She's got the addict son, the son who isn't there, and me, the one who won't stop being sad about everything. It'd be like telling her "Yep, all you sons are fucked up." and I don't want her to think that when in the back of my mind, I know she'd be there for me. She knows what it's like to feel this way. But I still can't tell her. It's pride at this point.

    I don't want to die. I'm not suicidal. I just want everything else to disappear.

   Hey pals. I've started getting kind of sad again. It looks like I last wrote in 2014, and not that I can really remember every detail of the last two years, things were relatively okay. They were okay enough for me not to feel the need to write on here at least.

   I don't really feel like recapping the last two years, though. Instead I'll say I think I've gotten a lot better at dealing with emotional and mental stress. I may have grown up a bit, too. I just overall felt a little better about things. But lately things have started to pile on me a bit, and it's gotten a little tough and I just felt like writing about it on here. Why not?

    I had gotten really comfortable in life. I've been saving money up and living comfortably overall. I can grocery shop without trying to seriously budget myself too hard. I can buy wings every week, and a game every so often. It's pretty nice as far as those kind of things go. But my student loan payment went up, so I had to start preparing to be poor again like I was in Atlanta and I really didn't want to do it. So Alex suggested I go to BioLife and give plasma. I could make $280 or so every month. The problem is that my veins are not "good enough," and I was put on a wait list for three months. I've got two months left and I've been lifting weights and playing tennis. I try to drink more water, but that's the hardest part honestly. So I really hope my veins are up to standard and that extra money will really help me out. If it doesn't, I gotta start working more hours which is an option, but I rather not. Either way, I just have to wait and see what happens.

   Sears seems to be disappearing sooner than later, and I will have to look for a new job. I don't know where to work and I really don't want to start over. In fact, I don't think I can start over. It would be devastating. I really need to get a real job if I have to get a new one. It's really stressful to think about, but people keep saying we've still got a while, but I don't know. I feel like it'll be over next year.

   Tim and I have not gotten along great for a while now. He does things that piss me off and when I call him out, he gets offended and says he's not doing anything. I would like to say he's telling the truth and that I'm taking things wrongly. But I would also like to say that's not true. There are things I don't like that people do and he does them all all the time. So it's like yeah, I could learn to take it better. But he could also stop taking things personally when I call him out and realize that I'm allowed to be upset if you upset me. It's been going on a while. He put in his two weeks to get a new job, because it most like relates to us being around each other too much, and I'll be the first to tell you more time away from him would be nice. I honestly don't like him that much.

   I'm trying to pace myself and not get too down about all these things, and for the most part it works. I think I'm better at managing stress, but it's still all very stressful to deal with at the same time.

   But mostly I think it's causing after effects from dealing with it so long which honestly this all started at the beginning of the year. Dealing with this for half a year is too much, and it's starting to take a toll. I'm starting to feel really depressed again in a way I haven't felt in a long time, but it's not that bad. It's just bad enough.

   Honestly, day to day is pretty okay. It's mostly when I get home and I have nothing to do except sit in front of my computer and I start to feel a bit empty. It's funny, but I play games online with my friends most nights. I have friends come over every so often. Other than having a dead beat job (that at least gives me a comfortable life), I think my life is fulfilling. But I still feel empty. I feel like I'm missing something. I'm 27, still haven't met a girl. I still talk to myself all the time, because I'm lonely.