I've actually and honestly have been putting it off, but I figure it's time to check in for the new years. I've been doing so well, you'd wonder why I wouldn't want to talk about it but I feel like I only come here when things are bad and it's started to feel superstitious. Like I'll mess things up by coming around. But really, lately, things have been completely nice.

      You always hear you can't make others happy unless you can make yourself happy, or that you have to love yourself first. I can maybe see more clearly how that's true, but why would I want anyone new in my life to come mess up what I've got? I'm a lot more self possessed, and I know how to keep myself afloat. It took so long, there's no way I'm going to start letting others in to come destroy shit.

      This was the first holiday season that I didn't become depressed during. I wasn't looking forward to it at all, because that's what tends to happen. But I had a great holiday. My mom and I have become a lot closer which is something I never thought would happen. Alex and I are friends again which is also something that I never thought would happen. It seems like the whole family has been doing well.
   
     I remember I used to talk about feeling more like my old self, but honestly, I've transcended beyond that. I'm something completely new, and I don't think most people would recognize me. I always claimed to not care what others think, but it's so different when it's actually true. I've started smiling more, and not coming off as angry looking or whatever. I'm more social and nicer to the point that I can see how unattractive it is to be like how I used to be. There's a new girl at work, and I simply said "Yo, You new?" and she kind of rolled her eyes and was like yep. That was weird. I'm not used to being the one that's turned away in that way. It was funny, too, though.

     Alex and I hadn't talked a lot lately, so I messaged her on Thanksgiving kind of as an excuse to say I'm still around. In return, she messaged me first on Christmas. We kind of talked a little more after that. I started liking the idea of talking more again, because I honestly like her a lot. I had sent her something before, but I don't know if she got it. But it kind of felt like a good reminder that "Yeah, of course it won't work out." I kind of feel dumb, but I still don't want to let our friendship crumble.

     The only real bad thing that's happened is that my friendship with Chris finally did crumble. It could see it coming for so long, so it doesn't really bother me that much, but of course it still sucks. He just doesn't care or something, and whatever. I did everything I could, and I can't keep trying to hang on to people that make me feel like shit.

     There's only one thing that's been crappier than that, and it's that I've been sick since December. It first started off feeling like mono. I was so exhausted, and felt like I was dying. And then I had a fever that was on and off, and an extremely shitty cough. So I thought it was bronchitis maybe. It finally went away, but the cough didn't. And now I'm fighting off a damn cold. I'm pretty much ready to go into a coma until I feel better.